Learn The 5 Hidden Forces Behind Most Relationship Problems, And How To Eliminate Them For Good
“Is this my life from now on? Is this all there is?”
Sound familiar?
On paper, your relationship looks fine.
You live a relatively comfortable life. Good jobs, a nice home, maybe kids. You don’t bicker in public.
Pat Love
Acclaimed author, speaker & therapist helping couples overcome (seemingly) insurmountable challenges to create a more joyous, connected partnership.
On the outside, it may even appear that you and your partner are happy.
But inside, you feel like your soul is dying.
Life together isn’t the thrill or adventure you once imagined it would be.
You don’t giggle or have private jokes anymore.
You don’t look at each other with affection or adoration.
You don’t caress each other or kiss passionately.
You don’t trust each other to be a source of support and comfort.
Instead, your life together has become a treadmill of chores, errands and logistics.
You didn’t get married and vow to spend the rest of your life with someone with whom you experience no passion, no joy, no vibrancy.
A marriage where you often feel unappreciated, taken for granted and disrespected.
Where it’s all about what your partner wants, or decides, and not enough about what you want or need. You feel so invisible sometimes!
You didn’t want to be in a marriage where every little thing becomes a power struggle, because your partner clings stubbornly to their way of doing things, even if it makes no sense to you.
…or a relationship that leaves you anxious and worried all the time, because your partner isn’t very responsible, and then withdraws their love when you try to voice your concerns.
Maybe you’ve lived this way for years. Maybe you’ve been fighting against it and trying to “fix” it for longer.
You may even doubt that it’s even possible to fix, because you ask yourself:
“Are we fundamentally incompatible?”
“Has my partner changed as a person? Have I?”
“Have we just grown apart? Fallen out of love?
“Have we hurt or neglected each other beyond repair?”
You may have contemplated divorce, but haven’t acted on it. Maybe you can’t imagine ever leaving because of the stress, money or children.
So you stay. And you put up with it all.
Your friends have problems in their relationships, and they seem to put up with it and think it’s okay, or “good enough”. But in your heart, your unhappy relationship isn’t okay with you.
“Good enough” is actually not good enough at all.
That you want MORE.
That you deserve more.
That marriage shouldn’t be a chore, but a joy and a celebration.
But you have no idea how to make that happen.
End the Pain, Insecurity, and Fear That’s Holding You Back
Everytime You Try To “Fix” Your Problems, New Ones Arise
You’ve tried to make things better. You really have.
But the things you’ve tried to solve your problems are only temporary fixes at best, and often just make things WORSE.
Date nights haven’t worked.
Making requests hasn’t worked.
Ignoring the problem hasn’t worked.
Talking about things rationally hasn’t worked.
Sharing your feelings hasn’t worked.
Fighting about it hasn’t worked.
You solve one problem, and a new one crops up the next day.
So now you are not only frustrated about the original problem, there’s additional resentment and distance between you, because the effort you put into “fixing” things was futile.
You keep having the same conversations, arguments, or push/pull interactions without making any constructive changes.
And instead of being honest about your feelings and needs with your partner, you just complain to yourself, feeling resigned and alone in your marriage.
But here’s the thing:
There’s a very good reason why none of the things you’ve done up until now to solve your various problems and reconnect hasn’t worked or has even made things worse.
And it’s this:
You Are Addressing The Wrong Problem. Therefore, Your “Solution” Is Doomed to Fail
This may surprise you, and you may not want to accept it at face value at first:
What you thought were your problems aren’t the real problem.
You’re not really arguing about money. Or sex. Or who’s turn it is to empty the dishwasher. Or why they aren’t willing to budge about moving closer to your parents. Or how thoughtless they are when they invite people over for dinner without asking you first.
That’s why you keep having the same—or similar—arguments. It’s why, even if something seems “solved” one day, another (but similar) problem pops right back up.
But what you’re experiencing as your problems are actually symptoms of something else you need to address that most people don’t know about:
And that’s a fundamental breakdown in one of the 5 core relationship systems.
For example:
You’re angry at your partner for leaving dirty dishes in the sink, and your partner is fed up with your nagging.
You can choose to ignore it, make rational arguments, issue ultimatums or tell yourself “forget it,” but regardless of how you choose to address this "symptom" the system problem isn’t going away.
That’s why, even if your partner remembers to put the dishes away every single time, another or similar problem will come up.
They’ll get “caught up with work” and leave you to do all the meal planning and cooking…
They’ll go out with their co-workers while you’re at home juggling kids and laundry…
They’ll sleep in on the weekends, while you’re up at sunrise with the kids and the pets, making everyone breakfast…
Until you address the bigger issue, you will continue to experience the smaller problems.
They’ll just change form.
And you’ll continue to feel frustrated, unhappy and resigned in your relationship.
You’ll think you’re arguing about the dishwasher one day, and who stays home with your sick child the next day, and who gets to sleep in all the time the day after that.
But what you’re really arguing about is a fundamental imbalance in responsibilities or privileges in your marriage.
You have a fairness system problem. Not a dishes problem.
When You Fix the Bigger Issue, You Avoid The Smaller Problems
When you address the fundamental issue of fairness at a more broad level with your partner, you start to look at the quality of your interactions as a whole.
The trick is learning HOW to identify what the system failure is, and getting the right tools to change it. (more on this later!)
You can then make positive changes that will address fairness as an agreed-upon value, through which all your decisions, behaviors and choices take place.
You and your partner will begin to understand the implications of those choices before you even make them.
And when that occurs, you’re no longer playing whack-a-mole with the symptoms.
Your relationship naturally becomes more equitable.
You start to relax and so does your partner.
Your relationship improves by leaps and bounds. You can talk about things without getting defensive. Resentment fades. Appreciation and understanding increase.
You begin having fun together again, and no longer feel so alone.
And you no longer think that you’re doing too much, and they’re not doing enough.
It all starts with learning about, recognizing, addressing and mending the REAL underlying issue within your relationship.
And once you learn how to do it, your relationship completely transforms because you know exactly what you need to do to have a relationship that’s more fun, fair, supportive and cooperative. (And it’s not more of the same tactics that haven’t worked!)
It’s time to feel excited about your marriage and hopeful about your future together.
And even though I can’t work with you on an individual basis, there is something I can do to help.
How to Fix the Underlying Flaw Behind All Your “Problems” and Create a Joyful, Resilient, Passionate Relationship That LASTS
It’s hard to make a change if you don’t know what it is you’re doing wrong. How can you ever fix or solve something if you don’t know what’s really missing?
I get it, it’s nearly impossible to get that kind of perspective on your own.
Over the course of my career, I’ve helped thousands of couples “see” what they couldn’t see about their troubled relationship. I’ve helped them uncover the deeper, broader issue behind all their various “problems” and showed them simple, effective ways to resolve this issue, so that the annoying problems stop getting in the way of their love and happiness.
Once they were able to get that perspective, their entire marriage shifted in a positive direction.
They began to work together toward common goals, they stopped bickering over the small stuff, and they made choices that were in alignment with the greater vision for their marriage: fun, equity, resilience, support, and passionate love.
At first, before they even know what’s really wrong, most couples fear that it’s going to be too complicated, too difficult, too costly to even begin to address these “bigger issues”, so they give up before they even try.
But the truth is, almost ALL the problems that couples face are due to just 5 main relationship flaws that are much easier to mend than you think!
And when you fix the flaw, you fix the operating system, and everything runs smoothly and elegantly again.
How can you find out what the underlying flaws are in your relationship?
That’s where my eBook, 5 Forces Destroying Your Relationship You’ve Probably Never Heard Of, comes in.
It reveals the 5 flaws—or forces—that are at the heart of all your conflicts, problems and disappointment with your partner. Next, it details exactly what to do to repair and strengthen that flaw, so that issues about money, time, affection, sex, communication, etc., need not destroy your relationship.
“5 Forces” will give you the big picture view of your relationship you can’t easily get on your own.
How do I know this is what will help make your relationship stronger, vital and loving?
Because I’ve scoured hundreds of pages of published research and have selected the findings that matched my 40 years of clinical practice with couples.
I asked myself, when it comes to couples that feel a vague or overt sense of dissatisfaction in their relationship, what works to turn that around, what doesn’t?
Why do couples so often fail to fix their issues and end up divorced? What are real solutions to seemingly unresolved problems?
What will actually fix the bigger flaw and resolve almost any problem?
That’s when I uncovered the 5 forces, and developed an approach to address nearly every single problem a couple complains about.
I’ve counseled thousands of couples using this approach and have seen couples get energized and creative, even if they had been feeling hopeless about their future before.
They stopped going around in circles about the same, tired conflicts and began to do things together that breathed life and love into their marriage.
When you learn the strategies in this eBook, you, too, will experience what thousands of couples have experienced after working with me using this same exact approach:
You’ll both start to “see” the hidden forces that have been undermining your love, and how you’ve been focusing on entirely the wrong thing all this time, and it will be a relief, because you’ll finally have a path toward a real and lasting solution to all your “problems.”
You’ll start to focus on the positive and downplay the negative aspects of your life together.
You’ll use challenges as opportunities to grow, work as a team, and strengthen your commitment to each other.
You’ll go from feeling numb, bored or lonely to feeling spontaneous, active and alive.
You’ll establish roles, rules, expectations, and agreements that make each of you feel like you are getting the best end of the deal.
Each of you will consider one another as a priority, and your actions will consistently show this.
You’ll be able to bend with the times, instead of letting unexpected circumstances create another crisis in your love.
You’ll experience admiration and a deepening love for your partner, and vice-versa.
A Book That Will “Reset” Your Relationship and Bring You Closer With Every Page
This book is experiential.
What that means is that you learn by doing, not just reading.
It contains specially-designed quizzes and questionnaires for each system, designed to demonstrate how to make positive changes simply when you contemplate the questions.
It’s like having your own private “therapy in a box.”
Plus, it teaches you how to fix the underlying flaws in your relationship through small, practical, positive steps.
You’ll get tips and strategies to see yourself and your behavior in a more objective, unbiased way, so you can make changes in the way you interact within your relationship. You’ll have the opportunity to upgrade, change, reset and improve your relationship in a way that you haven’t thought of before.
After reading this book and completing the exercises to help you fix and strengthen what’s broken in your relationship (not all of them will necessarily apply to you), you’ll experience real hope for lasting change, and real happiness together.
You’ll experience and appreciate the beauty of a close, vital, supportive, joyful marriage—one in which you know each other on a deep personal level like no one else in your life, you share life’s precious moments, share the burdens, grow in wisdom and maturity together, and are able to be our best because we feel safe and supported.
How do you create such a marriage? You make sure your “operating system” is intact, strong, and superb.
With what you’ll learn in “5 Forces,” you’ll have the tools, strategies and wisdom to do just that.
Here’s What Else You’ll Learn In This Experiential, Solutions-Based eBook:
- A way to uncover what you’re really arguing about with your partner, so that you’re not just going around and around in conflict about the symptoms, but you’re addressing the underlying system, which is the best and quickest way to resolve conflict and get to a pace of harmony and ease in your relationship.
- How to harness the power of your own thoughts to improve your relationship, without needing to wait for your partner to change or even talk about what’s wrong.
- A 20-point survey that reveals how secure you and your partner feels in the relationship, and what areas need work and which ones are working, so you can stop arguing about things like money, jealousy, and emotional blackmail.
- The checklist of 32 boundaries of fidelity, and how using this list can help you set appropriate sexual boundaries, so that you and your partner don’t risk weakening your relationship with small acts of infidelity that may seem harmless (to you).
- 5 in-depth relationship system evaluation questionnaires to help you determine the current strength of your relationship, and where your weaknesses are, and what you can do about them.
- What to do to make your relationship immune to the force that is most commonly cited as the reason for divorce or separation: growing apart.
- How to create a more fair and equitable relationship when it comes to chores and responsibilities, even emotional labor (hint: it’s NOT aiming for a 50/50 split, but rather something that eliminates score-keeping).
- A special “fairness survey” which affords you and your partner a visual image of the fairness factor in your relationship, to give you a subjective look at how much each of you are investing in your relationship.
- The “check-in”: A simple ritual to stay connected and stay current with your partner’s life, in order to avoid missteps and to stay connected through life’s ups and downs.
- Which specific, everyday words predict how happy and healthy your relationship is in the long run, and even predict how mentally and physically healthy you will be.
- 7 simple steps which can infuse your relationship with greater flexibility and resilience, so everyday or unexpected problems don’t lead you to making rash decisions or staying stuck in fear and anxiety.
- Your “vitality quotient”: A checklist that can predict what type of partner you are—complacent or exciting—and offers you and your partner a snapshot of what areas to focus on in order to inject more aliveness into your relationship.
- “Hot Monogamy”: The key to having a passionate, intimate relationship without necessarily having to have mind-blowing sex, or how to have duty sex and still have mind-blowing intimacy.
- “Sexy Body / Sexy Brain”: An insight into human sexual response that has helped countless couples understand and improve their sexual relationship, and can help you understand your partner better.
- 4 different experiences or sexual “styles” that, when added to your repertoire, can add novelty to your stagnant or boring sex life.
- 7 strategies for increasing your libido and enjoying more frequent sex with your partner if you’re the kind of person who needs relaxation and connection before you can get turned on.
- A 5-word strategy that helps you handle difficult or tumultuous emotions such as fear, anxiety, disappointment, and anger, so that you can take charge of your feelings instead of letting them take charge of you.
- A 5-minute exercise that can highlight some of the spoken or unspoken expectations you or your partner brought into your relationship, so that you can gain a better understanding of why you have certain conflicts (and what you can do about them).
- A simple way to enhance intimacy with your man that doesn’t involve talking or sex, and can magically make him pay more attention to you, even if he’s been distant for a while. This action gives him the “I forget the tough times” feeling.
- The counterintuitive way to get your partner to talk more if they’re the type of person who isn’t naturally chatty.
What You’ll Discover In the eBook:
Chapters 1-2
There’s a Reason Why Good-Enough May Not Be Good Enough Anymore and You Can’t Be Asleep at the Wheel
- The reasons why talking, ignoring, stonewalling, criticizing, therapy or making suggestions of your partner has not worked to solve your ongoing issues and problems, and a way to look at problems that makes the solution self-evident.
- Why a “good enough” relationship is not good enough any more, and why perfectly “okay” marriages are dissolving at unprecedented rates, and what you can do to make your relationship or marriage way less vulnerable to separation or divorce.
- Research shows that criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal and contempt are mere symptoms of a much larger problem in your relationship. Learn how to finally make a difference and restore your love.
Chapters 3-8
The Destructive Power of an Insecure, Unfair, Self-Centered, Inflexible, or Lifeless System
- The varied symptoms of dysfunctional relationships and how you can determine which system is broken as it relates to your specific problem.
- 17 action steps for bringing stability, understanding and cooperation to your relationship if you’re frequently disagreeing over money matters.
- What to do if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship so you can feel safe again.
- How to bring more life into a boring relationship, or what to focus on first if you feel that you’re “growing apart.”
Chapters 9-11
Outfoxing the 5 Destructive Forces
- Ways to identify the flaw in the underlying system that cause your relationship to have high drama, negative emotions, stonewalling, resentment, passive aggressive actions, manipulation, loneliness, anxiety, control, boredom or apathy.
- How to consciously and purposely set up your relationship for a healthier system so you can enjoy a hearty, dynamic, passionate partnership again.
- Research-based and clinically-proven ways to manage or regulate your emotions.
- A free-association exercise that will help you discover how your family traditions and childhood memories formed your adult patterns and behavior when it comes to relationships.
- What healthy family systems look like, which can give you an objective way to compare your experience with one that may be more ideal.
FREE BONUS: Get Two FREE Transformational Interviews!
Our gift to you: a free month of our Transformational Interview Series, where you’ll learn skills and strategies to radically improve all your relationships. You’ll meet a new expert every month, sharing powerful skills and breakthroughs on relationship topics that matter: resolving conflict, setting boundaries, increasing intimacy, practicing genuine self-love… and much, much more.
In addition to monthly eye-opening interviews, we’ve got loads of surprises and bonus content to sweeten the deal (including these three gems in your first free month!)
If you love the program, do nothing. Every month you’ll receive another empowering interview for $19.97/mo. If you don’t want to receive any more interviews or bonus surprises, simply cancel (don’t worry – it’s super easy to do). You won’t pay a thing, and you’ll keep all the free interviews and bonuses, too.
Place your order and get full access to 5 Forces Destroying Your Relationship You’ve Probably Never Heard Of in a matter of minutes. Take a full 7 days to examine the eBook, and discover the real reasons you keep having the same, tired arguments and unresolved problems by learning about the 5 flaws (forces) underlying your conflicts and disappointments. Then, complete the specially-designed questionnaires and surveys that will help guide you to making more positive, love-affirming choices in your relationship. Take the recommended action steps and reconnect your relationship.
If, at the end of the 7 days, you decide this isn’t the right solution for you, simply let me know and I’ll refund your investment in FULL, no questions, no hassle. This is my promise: You’ll find outstanding value from this program after putting it into practice for a full week or pay nothing!
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End the Pain, Insecurity, and Fear That’s Holding You Back
Rediscover an Immensely Satisfying, Deeply Nourishing Love
Marriage should feel alive, vital and nourishing.
It should be filled with laughter and joy.
It should make you feel safe, accepted, and understood. Even when the whole world seems to be against you, your partner is always there to love and support you, no matter what.
It shouldn’t feel lonesome, because you’re sharing your life with your best friend—the one person who “gets” you and loves to spend time with you.
It shouldn’t be lifeless or boring, either, because a vital relationship makes every day feel like an adventure, and finds magic even in the ordinary and routine.
If your marriage isn’t like this, there’s probably a very good reason—but it’s not the reason you think it is.
Whether you think the issue is poor communication, lack of passion, not making the relationship a priority, doing too much while your partner does too little—you name it, identifying the real flaw in your relationship is the first step to getting out from underneath all your problems and stepping into marital bliss.
But you can’t change what you don’t see.
So whether you’ve been languishing in something “just ok” or “good enough”, or you’ve been withering in a marriage that’s lonely, disappointing and soul-crushing, it's time to stop going around in circles.
It’s time to stop arguing about the same things.
It’s time to pull yourself out of the pit of despair and do what actually works and rediscover an immensely satisfying, deeply nourishing love.
It’s never too late to be your best and create your best relationship.
I can’t wait to show you how.
May you have an extraordinary day,
End the Pain, Insecurity, and Fear That’s Holding You Back
