by Randi Gunther
Yes! You’ve potentially met someone you really like.
You read his profile online and have had a few conversations, or it’s a friend of a friend and you’ve heard so much about him.
He’s just your type, he has some of the same hobbies and interests you have, and there’s something about the way he flirts with you through text that makes you giddy.
It’s been so long since you’ve met anyone who seems like such a good fit, and who is good-looking, too!
And now, you have a first date coming up, and you’re excited about it.
But you’re also incredibly nervous.
There are so many things “riding” on this, and you want to get it right: you want to be liked, you want to be a good date, and you don’t want to say the wrong thing.
And THIS is exactly the kind of thinking that’s going to get you in trouble.
In fact, this kind of mindset is what makes dating today hard, because you’re focused on things that do NOT get you what you need in the long term.
The Making Of Short, Superficial Connections
Worrying about how you’re going to come across on a date sets you up for some big mistakes.
When you’re so worried about how you look, what you’ll say, and whether you are going to “be attractive” to your date, you’re not paying attention to something that’s even more important:
Whether or not this person is someone who can make you happy in the long run.
Instead, you’re focused on what your date thinks about you.
Are you saying the right things? Are you laughing at his jokes? Is your outfit flattering to your figure?
You’re so outwardly focused, you forget to go inward to check in and ask yourself, Does this guy feel right to me? Are his values in alignment with mine?
What’s more, when you’re overly concerned about catering to someone else, you’ll say and do things simply to be appeasing.
You’ll stay quiet when you should speak up. You’ll downplay things about you that you think might be perceived as unflattering.
When you do this, you actually present a false image of who you are.
Therefore, your date will have the wrong impression of who you are, and therefore they can never love and appreciate you for all that you are.
For example, let’s say he says something that you find socially or politically offensive. You don’t speak up because you don’t want to seem “abrasive,” or you simply want him to think you have so much more in common, so he’ll like you.
Put all this together, and you may start a relationship based on fantasy, which is why your relationships may never quite get off the ground. Once the “truth” comes out—about what you truly want in a relationship and who you are—the connection will fall apart.
In order for a long-lasting relationship to bloom, you need to be absolutely authentic—both about who you are and what you want.
But how exactly do you do this? That’s what this next section is about.
My Favorite Pointers For Dating Smart
- Pretend you’re just meeting a friend.
- Go in as an emotional anthropologist.
- Imagine that you are “vetting” this person for a friend.
- Never present your past relationships with bitterness, bias, or reasons not to trust again.
- Be honest about future connection.
Think about how differently you behave when you’re out with a friend compared to how you are when you meet a potential love interest.
Instead of worrying about what your friend thinks, you’re spontaneous, in the moment, and just sharing the experience. And you would probably say and do things you’d never consider on a date. You’re actually not focused on anything at all.
This kind of mindset allows you to relax, and lets your date get to know the real you.
Imagine if someone gave you a free trip to a country you’ve always wanted to visit. You would likely go there with an open mind and explore it as much as you could. You wouldn’t try to change the people there or make them more like you. Instead, you would be curious and fascinated.
Likewise, your date’s “culture” existed long before you appeared. Treat it as a wonderful new destination for exploration.
Think about the kinds of questions you’d ask this person if you were qualifying them for someone you care about.
Many of my patients have had success with this, because they are much more willing to go out on a limb for someone else than for themselves.
They’re also much more wary of the first red flags when they come up. As hokey as it may sound, it’s your responsibility to be your own best friend—making sure you select a mate who is right for you.
If the topic comes up, talk instead about the lessons you learned and how you will use them in the next relationship.
Likewise, be on the alert if your date speaks badly about exes. A man who says his last girlfriend was crazy will likely think the same thing about you in time. You want someone who takes responsibility for prior mistakes without putting the blame on someone else.
This is the most difficult, but it will save both of you awkwardness and pain in the long run.
If you enjoyed the evening, casually tell your date that you’d like to see them again if he or she feels the same way. On the other hand, if you don’t have any desire to meet again, be open and honest that you appreciated the opportunity to meet but just didn’t feel enough connection to continue.
Your Entire Relationship Depends On Those First Few Dates
You should have two main priorities when meeting someone new:
Deciphering whether there is relationship potential and creating a foundation of true intimacy.
It is all too easy—in the rush of infatuation—to push these two critical components aside. But doing so puts you in danger.
It puts you in danger of creating a “false self,” which means a fantasy version of yourself that you create in order to appease your date or make yourself seem more compatible than you really are.
If you do start a relationship, it will not be strong enough to last once you and your date take off the “masks” of the false self, and once the ups and downs of life get in the way.
In order for you to finally get off the dating merry-go-round, you need to be focused on the right things.
You need to first and foremost know yourself.
How have your past heartbreaks created a mindset of self-sabotage and what can you do to reverse that?
What do you need in order to be happy in love? What are your strengths and weaknesses in relationship? What unique traits do you bring to the table?
Next, you need to focus on what questions to ask to know if you and he share similar values, or if he’s got a personality trait or habit that could be a deal-breaker.
You need to know what your deal-breakers are, so you don’t compromise them just because he’s your “type” or shares a lot of your interests and worldview.
In other words, you need to be focused on what makes you tick and what you need, rather than being so focused on whether or not he’ll be attracted to you!
That’s where my Dating Rehab program can make a world of difference for you.
In it, I’ll teach you a proven, step-by-step process to get you through the early dates and into a solid relationship with the partner of your dreams.
In Section 1 and 2, you’ll learn all about yourself: what your current attitudes are about dating, how they may be affecting your results, and what you need in order to be happy in love.
In Section 4 of the program, we’ll dive into many more dating “do’s and don’ts,” including exactly what personal information to reveal to your date and when—as well as specific questions that will get your date to drop the mask and show you what they’re really all about (plus I’ll teach you how to do all this without coming across as a private detective)!
My entire mission in creating Dating Rehab was to help you present yourself with total authenticity so that you can ultimately achieve a REAL relationship—one that doesn’t crumble at the slightest hint of difficulty.
Instead, you’ll learn how to attract the right partner, lay the foundation for true intimacy, and build on this intimacy in those early months to carry you through a lifetime. I’ll also share what “stay-in-love couples” know about how to date for lasting love, and how to keep the connection alive well past those early days—so you’ll want to return to the insights in Dating Rehab again and again.
Get It HerePrevention is SO much easier and more effective than damage control—I see it all the time with couples who come to me for counseling. If only they had implemented what I’ll teach you in Dating Rehab, they wouldn’t be struggling now. All the effort you put into those first few dates will pay off massively for you.
xoxo,
Dr. Randi
