by Evan Marc Katz
Ever dated a man who you shared an incredible connection with, but then he suddenly wanted his “freedom” or said he wasn’t ready when you started to get close?
What’s going on here? Why does this happen for so many women with men? Is it that all men are afraid of intimacy?
Or could there be something else going on here too that triggers this kind of response in a man?
I’m going to clear up these questions for you here. It might make you cringe when you recognize yourself in the examples below, but the great news is that recognition is the first step to change.
Once you know what doesn’t work with a guy, you can do something that DOES work. So keep reading…
What Happens When You First Meet A Man You Like
I wonder how often this has happened to you:
You meet a man you find attractive and you go out on a date.
The date goes better than you imagined, and you find him even more interesting than you thought you would.
You feel great around him, and the conversation flows. You both connect with each other and have all kinds of things in common.
The more time you spend with him, the more you become excited about where things could go—and that you’ve finally met a man who’s fun, attractive, AND who actually seems open and mature.
To top it off, the chemistry you share is amazing, and you share a good-night kiss that leaves you breathless.
You can tell he’s feeling it, too. This is something more than just another date. It’s more than two people spending time together. This is something special and real. That’s why you can’t help yourself…
Before you even hear from him again, you’re telling your girlfriends all about him, what a great time you had, what it’s like when you’re together, and when you’re going to see each other next.
You’re very excited about your new man.
You imagine introducing him to your friends.
You even allow yourself a fantasy or two about all the fun things you’ll do together in the weeks to come and what your life together could be like.
You have a great feeling about this.
Best of all, he’s calling you, texting, and he wants to see you all the time. And he’s not only attractive and charming—it turns out he’s a really good person, too.
After a few more dates, you’re intimate with him because you feel so comfortable together. And the sex is amazing.
Things are going so great that you say to yourself,
“At last! A real man I truly connect with. I better not screw this up!”
What Happens When Fear And Doubt Sets In
But just then you realize how much he is starting to mean to you, and it makes you nervous. And that’s when the dating and relationship nightmares from your past flashback in your mind.
You don’t want to get hurt that way ever again, and you start to feel afraid that the same thing could happen with this new guy.
Your mind races with fear and anxiety. But to keep it together, you put faith in the situation and in this man. You tell yourself that it’s different this time, and that he isn’t one of those other guys.
And to make sure things keep moving forward in the right direction, you start trying a little harder with him to get it right this time:
You do all kinds of nice things for him.
You make the effort to find out all about him, understand him, and help him out.
You even start to do things like favors and errands, just because you want him to know how much you care.
Of course, you’re also doing to to be close to him. You try to make yourself an indispensable part of his life.
You really hope he’ll recognize all the great things you’re doing for him, and how amazing you and your relationship can be. With all you’re doing for him and your relationship, he’d be crazy not to want to be with you.
But after a few more dates, suddenly something starts to feel very wrong…
What Happens When You Feel That “Shift” In Him
Suddenly, that same easy and free way of loving and being with each other feels different. You realize how much you’re doing for him and all the ways you’re trying, and then it hits you…
He isn’t making much of an effort to do anything for you or your relationship. Not the way you are with him.
Then you realize that he’s calling you less than he used to. He doesn’t seem as excited to be with you and share his thoughts and feelings like he did when you first met. He even stops making much in the way of plans, and starts doing a lot of other things he wasn’t doing before.
And since you don’t want to keep calling him, you wait for his call, hoping he’ll make weekend plans with you. But Thursday comes, and then Friday, and still no call.
Your worst fears are coming true. But you don’t want to overreact.
So even though you’re hurt and upset that he didn’t call you, you want to be with him, so you reluctantly call him. You tell yourself there must be a good reason, and that he’s been busy or something.
What Happens When He Doesn’t Even Sound Like The Same Guy
When you finally get a hold of him, he talks like he hardly knows you.
You try to be casual and ask him what he’s been doing, but you want to know why he hasn’t called you. Then you find out he’s going out and doing things without you.
He didn’t even invite you! Wait a minute… Aren’t you two an “item?” Shouldn’t you be doing something together on weekends and in your free time?
You start feeling really frustrated and confused. Maybe he doesn’t see what’s going on, so you decide to let him know how you feel and “call him on it.”
You tell him how upset you felt that he didn’t ask you to hang out with him and his friends. And you ask him what’s going on, and why he’s being this way with you.
But he doesn’t respond the way you’d want or expect him too. Instead of listening to you and your feelings, he gets irritated and angry with you—as though you’re “hassling” him.
After some back and forth, he seems to shift gears in the conversation and says something that really makes your heart sink—something you had a gut feeling you’d hear from him…
He tells you,
“Look… you’re great, but the truth is that I’m not ready or in the right place for any kind of ’serious’ relationship right now.”
And he goes on to tell you about all the things going on in his life that are taking up his time and energy, and that he can’t settle down right now.
What The Hell Is He Talking About?!
Why is he acting like you’re going to get in the way of the rest of his life?
Why did he ask you out in the first place, and spend all that time sharing himself, being with you, and connecting with you if he didn’t want a relationship all along?
Couldn’t he have told you that when you first met, instead of asking you out? Why did he spend all that time with you and sleep with you if he didn’t want to be with you?
And how come he doesn’t recognize or appreciate all the things you bring to his life, and all the things that you do for him?
At this point, you feel incredibly hurt, frustrated, unappreciated, and misunderstood. You even become intensely upset and angry with him, and with yourself. How could you have misunderstood what was happening and not have seen this coming!?
Why did he do all the things he did, and why did he say all those things that made you think he wanted a relationship with you?
Now, if you’ve experienced a situation like this with a man before, then I really feel for you. And I want to show you how to keep this from ever happening to you again.
*Hint: if you want a man to fall for you and want a long-term relationship, then you can’t set up the dynamic where you are the one pursuing him.
The 5 Common Mistakes That Makes Good Men Leave
Now, back to our story and this frustratingly common situation women run into with men.
For lots of women, the story doesn’t end there when the man says he’s not ready for anything serious. Why?
Because they either don’t want to listen to the man, or they refuse to believe him. And then what happens?
Some women actually go on to spend the next few weeks or maybe even months doing everything they can to try and win the guy back. They think that if they can just get him to stop ignoring what it is that they share together, and to not be afraid, that the guy will “come to his senses” and come back to them.
If you’ve ever been in this situation, or known a woman who was, here are 5 common mistakes women make that make good men leave:
- Pretending you don’t want a serious relationship, and continuing to sleep with a man “casually” in hopes that things will grow from the physical relationship
- Staying close to him by trying to help him in his life and with his problems—all the while imagining the “payoff” of a real relationship once he recognizes how great you are
- Trying to make him jealous by telling him you’re seeing other guys, even if you’re not. Or going out with other guys and doing things with them not because you like them, but because you want him to find out and want you back
- Trying to convince him that he’s just scared of intimacy—and then trying to get him to have a relationship with you to “fix” himself
- Trying to make him interested in you by complimenting him, doing nice things for him, taking up things he’s interested in to be around him, and being available to him at anytime he should show interest.
Here’s the thing:
None of these approaches work with men. They don’t get a man to suddenly wake up, see the light, and realize he’s being a fool.
It’s just the opposite.
Which Begs Me To Ask The Question…
Why do so many women respond in these ways in the first place? The short answer is this:
If a woman responds to men in the 5 ways outlined above, it’s not because she “learned” it by seeing it work for other women with other men.
Absolutely not. It’s because she does what makes sense for her in the moment.
But guess what? If you’ve spent enough time around men, then you’ve probably discovered that men don’t make much sense.
See where I’m going here? If you try and use what makes sense to you as a woman with a man, odds are you’re going to get very poor results.
Which means that if you want to start getting better outcomes and results when it comes to men—and you want to be able to communicate with a man in a way that brings him closer—then you’re going to have to learn to stop doing what makes “sense” to you.
And start doing what it is that makes a man feel attracted and more interested in you.
A New Approach: Shifting Your Perspective
In other words, the biggest challenge most women run into when it comes to “breaking through” to men and getting past the surface dating stuff and into a real relationship with a real man is this:
Not being able to see past their own mindset and the approach they’ve been using that hasn’t worked.
But if you can learn to understand how your mindset affects how you interpret and respond to a man, and you can start to get the kind of perspective and awareness that will lead you to knowing what’s really going on with a man, and how to respond, then things are quickly and naturally going to fall into place for you.
And my years of experience (including my own very happy marriage) tells me it’s entirely possible for you to have this—when you start doing things a lot differently. And it all starts with knowing WHAT to do so you finally get to enjoy the relationship that has eluded you thus far.
It’s why I’ve joined Flourish—a group of well-respected experts who are dedicated to spreading the truth about how to create love, what makes it last, and how to improve EVERY relationship in your life.
When you subscribe to Flourish’s FREE dating and relationships newsletter, you’ll get smart, insightful advice with proven strategies. I’m pretty picky about who I keep company with, and my fellow experts at Flourish are some of the best in the field. You’ll learn about:
- How to end the heartbreak of ghosting, rejection, and go-nowhere relationships by avoiding or reversing the 10 most common dating mistakes
- A powerful process that will allow you to break the old patterns keeping you stuck and single
- The #1 reason behind all relationship failure—and how you can heal yourself AND your relationship at the same time
- How to awaken to your worthiness to love and be loved—and unleash your power to create a relationship that lights you up, inspires you, and brings out the best of who you are
- What to do when you’re still pining over an old flame—including a piece of advice that will finally open up your eyes to why he’s NOT the one for you after all
I want you to take back your power when it comes to dating. I want you to have more fun and see the world of single men as a friendly place. All of us here at Flourish come from a place of TRUTH. With truth, you’ll gain peace of mind. Confidence. Understanding of men. Understanding of what kind of man will really make you happy.
Warmest wishes and much love,
Your friend,
