by Randi Gunther
If you’re single and still haven’t met someone you like, there’s a good chance the reason why boils down to this:
You haven’t yet met anyone who’s your “type” who also happens to like you, too.
You consider yourself fairly “picky” and you have a good idea of the kind of partner you want to fall in love with. But, it still hasn’t happened.
And maybe you relate all-too-well to this kind of scenario:
You’ve met someone using a dating app and have already exchanged several messages. It seems promising. He’s enthusiastic, witty, smart, and appears to be of average good looks from the few profile pictures he’s posted.
When you finally speak on the phone, the banter is electric! You can’t believe how easy it is to make him laugh, he asks great questions and seems genuine.
Finally, the day arrives. You’re going to meet for the first time.
You walk into the coffee shop, and your heart drops.
This isn’t going to work out, you think.
He’s too short! Or too chunky. Or he grew a beard or shaved his head.
Or he seems too “buttoned up”. A lawyer type, and you don’t like lawyer types. You’re free-spirited and outdoorsy and want to date someone who’s similarly inclined.
Or the opposite—he’s too casually dressed and disheveled, and you’re more intellectual and bookish and prefer to date professionals with impeccable grooming.
Whatever it is, you’re disappointed. Once again, it’s time to start over.
But what if you’re wrong? And you’ve just dismissed someone who would have turned out to be the love of your life?
Why Dating DisappointsIt’s Time To Look At Your Dates Through A Different Lens If You Want To Find True Romance
If this has happened to you at least once, I want to give you a different pair of glasses to look through.
In fact, I want you to step into the role of cultural anthropologist—to view each and every date as a newfound discovery to be thoroughly explored.
Every interaction with every human being is a different cultural experience—a chance to explore someone else’s “territory” and learn what makes other people tick. You probably get that on an intellectual level, but do you really embody this perspective when you go on a date?
Most people don’t. We enter new encounters with all sorts of ideas about how people are and how they should be.
We have stereotypes that we slot people into—especially when time is precious. You may have been single for a while, and you don’t want to waste another minute dating someone who is never going to ring your bell.
So, when you’re on a date, you will quickly evaluate the person in front of you and assign them a stereotype.
For example, you may quickly conclude the man you’re out to dinner is a mama’s boy, a rebel, a know-it-all, a party animal, or a Peter Pan.
Or you may stereotype them according to their work—there are the lawyer types, the hipsters, the computer geeks, the entrepreneurs, the artsy ones—and all the others in between.
Based on your previous experiences with these types of men, you will have formed certain opinions of them.
Then you decide if you want to invest any time and energy into getting to know this person. And once you make that decision, then you evaluate as to whether it’s living up to your expectations and the investment is worth what you’re getting back.
You move into judgment and bias—what I call “lock-ins.”
And that’s when it starts to get dangerous. Here’s why…
How We Get “Locked In” And Closed Off To Possibility
Getting “locked-in” to judgment and bias—about what kind of man is your “type” and which isn’t—is dangerous to your love life.
That’s because you’ll get locked into making blanket judgments without getting to know the real person in front of you. You tell yourself, “Oh, that’s the way all these men are,” or “That’s how these relationships go.”
It becomes your default response whenever you see a bald man, or a buttoned-up man, or a man in a t-shirt and sneakers.
And as soon as you go to your default, you are a closed book.
You will only pay attention to what you expect to see.
If you expect the “lawyer type” to not be adventurous and free-spirited, just because he’s too buttoned up, you will pay attention to the way he carefully wipes the crumbs off the table before setting down his coffee cup. You’ll fail to catch that remark he makes about how the best coffee he ever had was in Borneo, of all places.
You’ll notice his white, button-down shirt, but you won’t notice he got into a beat-up Jeep after your coffee date.
In not being open to the possibilities, and automatically stereotyping this stranger, you have lost the capacity for transformation.
Think about what it was like when you went to college. If you had an idea of what you “wanted to be,” then you only take the classes that are going to get you there.
But along the way, a class will pop up, and you’ll think, “Gee, I’d love to take that, that’s really interesting, but I can’t because I know what I want to be.”
Yet sometimes one professor can change your whole idea about life. But if you’re locked in, you can’t go in that direction. You can’t play in that direction because you have this goal that you set up.
That’s why you have to challenge your “lock-ins.”
Lock-ins create expectations. You’re only going to look for what you expect.
And when that happens, you will have to meet somebody who 100% memorizes your script and says everything that you expect. This, of course, is impossible.
Plus…
You Wouldn’t Want A Person Who Matches All Your Expectations, Anyway
Think about it: if you go into dating trying to meet somebody who will never disappoint you, you are essentially trying to create an extension of yourself. But as soon as you make them a full extension of you, you’re alone.
It’s just you looking in your own mirror.
You’re getting caught up in your own ego state, and you only see what makes you feel safe. You’re not having an adventure, because you’re only operating out of fear.
For true romance and love to bloom, you have to be present to what unfolds in the moment.
And THAT takes getting out of your patterns of overthinking, lock-ins, and expectations, and embodying an attitude of adventure and discovery.
Unfortunately, that’s usually not what’s going on inside you when you’re on a first or second date. You’re usually either passing judgment about the man sitting across from you, or you’re flirting on the outside and anxious on the inside, hoping he’ll accept and like you, and want to see you again.
There’s an alternative to all of this—a radically different way to approach dating—and once you learn it, you can finally stop being locked-in by expectations and open yourself up to possibility, romance, and adventure instead.
How To Find True Romance With A Radically Different Approach To Dating
You may be thinking, “That sounds good, Randi, but how do I balance having fun and letting things unfold organically, while not wasting precious time on people who will never be a good fit?”
Great point!
That’s exactly why you don’t want to get locked-in to ideas like “all buttoned-up types are boring and bookish and don’t like outdoor adventure or exotic travel.”
When you make these types of assumptions, based on your expectations, you ARE wasting your time, because you are dating dozens of men to find that one perfect partner who won’t be a good fit anyway, because he will be too much like you.
What you need is a fresh strategy, and a new attitude, so you can stop wasting your time while also remaining open to possibilities, romance and adventure.
That’s what you’ll learn how to embody in Section 3 of my program, Dating Rehab.
You’ll learn how to use special imagery and your imagination in a way that will help you let go of expectations and put you in a more “present” state of mind with your dates.
In Section 3 you’ll also learn how to be MORE (not less) discerning about the kind of men you want to meet for a first date, and why being picky about certain things will prevent you from heartbreak down the road.
Plus, it’ll help you say “yes” to future dates with partners who just may turn out to be your soulmate, and not waste a minute on those who you can be rest assured, will NEVER be.
(By the way, this has nothing to do with a man being bald, short, pudgy, disheveled, etc.)
You’ll learn what matters most to men in terms of finding a life partner, and how you can use that knowledge to gain an edge in dating.
Dating Rehab is my most comprehensive program that shows you how to approach dating in a way that empowers you, fosters authenticity and shows you how to create a deep connection with the man you’re dating, so you stop feeling discouraged and stop wasting time dating partners that will never be right for you, anyway.
Dating Rehab is about bringing you a completely new experience in dating—one that actually gets you what you ultimately want—a true, deep connection with another person that sets the stage for a fully committed, unbreakable, soul-satisfying partnership.
You can start listening in a matter of minutes here:
Start Listening NowWhat you’ll learn in Dating Rehab will enable you to attract the right person with laser-beam accuracy, without narrowing your options so drastically that you accidentally dismiss a potential soulmate.
You’ll love learning how to be a “cultural anthropologist” in dating. A whole new adventure awaits you, and a romance beyond your wildest imagination.
xoxo,
Dr. Randi
P.S. How do you know if you’re feeling true love or just false chemistry with someone you’ve been seeing for a while?
In Section 6 of my Dating Rehab program, you’ll learn the 9 signs to look for that indicate you’re in a relationship that has longevity and happiness potential. This is important, especially if you’re the kind of person who feels intense chemistry and then gets her heart broken when the man changes or pulls away. Find out what I’ve come to know about love after counseling singles and couples for 40+ years here:
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