by Randi Gunther
Have you ever been on a date with a man and then realized he’s only after ONE thing?
You know what I mean…
You were all excited about this man. You thought, “Finally! Someone with real potential! Someone I’m actually attracted to!”
This man came after a string of go-nowhere dates, and maybe after a few months or even years of unfulfilling relationships.
You were SO ready to meet someone you really clicked with and who had what it takes to make a relationship work.
So you got all dolled up for the date, told your friends all about it, and anxiously awaited the appointed time.
The first few minutes or even hours of the date were great. Maybe even amazing. You’re sitting there smiling ear to ear. You can’t believe your luck.
Then, he says something that totally knocks the wind right out of you—something like:
“My housemate’s not home tonight, so we have the place alllll to ourselves.”
“Oops, I missed my last train back. Mind if I crash at your place?”
“My wife and I have an open relationship. We feel it’s too much to expect any one person to fulfill all our needs.”
These are all actual sentences women have heard on dates when they realized the man they thought had some real potential actually had something else:
An agenda to get them into bed.
Agendas Come In All Sorts Of Flavors—And They Are All Major Turn-offs
Isn’t it incredible how you can be quite keen on a man—maybe even envisioning yourself in the future with him—yet all it takes is ONE sentence to turn you off?
That’s the power of an AGENDA.
When you consider the word “agenda” you see that it’s used to denote a list of items that need to be discussed in a meeting—or a certain plan that must be carried out.
An agenda is anything but romantic—it’s all business.
And that’s a big reason why it’s a huge turnoff.
But getting you into bed too soon is not the only agenda men can bring to a date.
Have you ever been out with a man who lets you know he’s looking for a “traditional” wife?
Or a man who goes on and on about how important fitness is to him—and that he MUST have a partner who makes this a priority?
What about the guy who prys into your finances?
These are all examples of agendas.
No matter how much you like a man, any of these agendas will instantly squash your excitement about him—and it will likely make you write him off altogether.
I can practically see you nodding your head in agreement. And if you’re still single but long to be in a quality relationship, I’d like to go out on a limb here and ask you a very practical question:
Could It Be That YOU Have An Agenda, Too?
You might be tempted to click away right now, but stay with me. Because if you’re anything like the wonderful women I’ve worked with throughout my 50+ years in counseling (yes, I’m old and wise!), then I know this:
Most attractive, intelligent women who can’t find a happy relationship have an agenda that’s turning off the men they date.
If you are dating to meet your future husband, you have an agenda.
If you want a man who wants to have kids, you have an agenda.
If you require a man to be emotionally available, you have an agenda.
“But wait,” you tell me, “Don’t I need to have standards and a clear vision for what I want?”
Yes, you certainly do.
But there’s a difference between being grounded in what you want and coming into a date as if it were a business deal.
When you LEAD with the intention of creating a certain outcome (agenda), then you immediately suck the romance and spontaneity out of the equation.
If you’re looking to get the best price for a car, that’s all well and good.
When you’re hoping to find the love of your life, it’s a dead end.
What It Feels Like To Be A Quality Man On A Date These Days
Men who are great catches and truly want to create a healthy, committed relationship have as much of a hard time at dating than women do.
The man you’re sitting across the table with may be weary of spending money on women who only want him for his bank account or his doctorate.
He may have invested months or years in a woman who didn’t truly love him for who he is.
He may be watching all his friends get married and have families, and he’s worried he’s going to turn into that weird old dude who is still showing up to weddings alone.
Then he meets you, and he does a double take. He’s found a woman he’s attracted to AND she seems interested, too.
“Maybe this one,” he wants to believe, “Will have some substance and really wants to get to know me.”
But then you start asking him what his plans are five years from now. Or whether he’s really serious about a relationship. Or what his last relationship was like.
His Heart Sinks. You’re Just Like The Rest Of Them.
A man can lose interest quickly, and it’s not always because he’s a jerk.
Instead, he can be just like you—a person genuinely looking to connect with someone who will truly value him.
Look, I know that dating can be scary.
You want to know if a man can provide, if he’s successful, if he has good relationships with family and friends, how he feels about children, if he has any worrisome diseases, if he lives by any higher power, if he is an addict, if he owes any money, if he’s looking for a committed relationship or a temporary adventure, etc.
Men, on the other hand, are looking for secure women who are confident, friendly, and joyful to be with, who have no long-term agenda too early, aren’t bitter or biased, and are not looking for a “meal ticket.”
They don’t want to be responsible for damages done by other men in the past. The time is now and the future is unwritten.
Instead Of Business Deal, Think Ballroom Dancing
Most men are more than willing to extend a relationship while it feels good to them, especially if they think the good interactions will continue.
So what kinds of conversations will deepen your knowledge of a new man without cornering him into premature exposure or forced commitment? It’s actually much simpler than you might think.
How you approach dating makes all the difference. You can find out everything you need to know—and more—if you look at every date as a partner dance.
Note I said “partner dance.” You can dance by yourself all you want—and call all the shots or make all the moves for the rest of your life.
But that’s not what you want, right?
If you want a lifelong partner on the dance floor of life, you need to allow for equal participation and improvisation on BOTH sides.
New interactions are very much like dancing with someone for the first time. There has to be a rhythm both feel comfortable with.
He steps forward, you step back. You step to your left, and he steps to his right. You listen to the music and pace yourself accordingly. Not too fast, not too slow. You’re in tune with each other and enjoying the moment.
In the same way, your conversations should be gentle, thoughtful, and easy in exchange.
You may even ask very interesting and intimate questions, as long as you come from a place of genuine curiosity, without any agenda.
When you’re dancing, you have to be present in the moment, otherwise you’ll lose your partner. On a date, being present means you’re interested in what the two of you are presently sharing in common, where you’re going, what you are doing in your current life, or what may be going on around you in the world you’re exploring together.
You’re not trying to make something happen, or worrying about whether or not this person is going to continue liking you, or what the future will bring.
You’re just enjoying yourself and not thinking about what will happen tomorrow.
That’s how you create an experience with a date that feels more like a fluid exchange on the dance floor than an interrogation.
In my program Dating Rehab, I’ll teach you how to find out everything you want to know about a man—including whether he’s truly serious about a relationship and what kind of partner he’ll be—all while building all-important attraction and connection instead of sabotaging it.
It really is like a ballroom dance. There’s nuance, rhythm, and skill involved. I’ll teach you those skills.
In section 2, you’ll see how it’s possible to ask very intimate questions, as long as you come from a place of genuine curiosity—without any agenda—so that your date will experience your authentic curiosity without feeling violated.
I’ll give you specific tips for discovering what you need to know about a man without overstepping his boundaries—including opening statements that produce intimacy without invasion. Feel free to use them word for word and see how it makes a man open up right before your eyes.
In Section 4, you’ll learn even more about what to say and do on those all-important early dates so that you can create a comfortable vibe that tells a man: “This is a woman who really wants to know me, and so she’s worth my time.”
Start Listening NowWhen you start taking a radically different approach to dating, then dating will be a completely different experience for you—one that actually leads you all the way down the dance floor to the relationship of your dreams.
xoxo,
Dr. Randi
