by Katherine Woodward Thomas
How would you describe your painful patterns in relationships?
Maybe you’re chronically alone— and you’re always coming home to an empty home at the end of the day.
Perhaps you have a history of meeting people who initially seem promising but then inevitably just disappear.
It could be that you think things are going well with someone, but then you’re shocked that the other person doesn’t pursue the connection.
Or you find yourself getting entangled with those who take advantage of you and don’t treat you well.
Take a moment now to think about the pattern that’s been the most painful for you in love and notice how bad that pattern makes you feel.
How Your Patterns Are Being Created Right Now
Whatever your pattern in love has been, at the core of it is a belief that has been generating that experience over and over again.
Men don’t care about me. They care about other women but not me.
Women don’t want me. They want other men…men who are richer, or better looking, or more powerful.
Other people are better than me. They don’t think I’m good enough for them.
All of these “stories” have their roots in something hurtful and disappointing that happened long, long ago in your life. And inside of these ancient perspectives, you unknowingly show up in ways that are literally recreating that story again and again.
It feels as though it’s happening to you. But it’s literally happening through you instead.
And all outside of conscious awareness.
Underneath each of these stories is an automatic assumption about what’s possible (or not) for you in the area of love:
I can never get what I want.
Love is for others, not me.
I’m meant to be alone. I’m cursed in love.
This is what I call your “False Love Identity” story.
Your Old Love Identity Story, And Why It’s False
Inside of what happened to you when you were young, you essentially created a negative identity around yourself as it relates to love.
In other words, you came to false conclusions about yourself that are now feeding into your patterns.
And dooming you to be unfulfilled in love.
You’ve developed certain core beliefs about what you’re capable and not capable of when it comes to love.
This story then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy:
If, for instance, you have the False Love Identity story that ultimately you’re all alone in life, you’ll always be afraid that others are going to leave you.
Because of this fear, you’ll avoid conflict because you believe that the first sign of a disagreement is the beginning of the end.
To cope with this, you’ll likely do one of three things when you sense a potential conflict on the horizon.
You’ll:
1) withdraw and blow up the relationship as a pre-emptive strike against being left;
2) withdraw your energy and covertly signal the other person to leave, which often they do; or
3) completely bury your true feelings and become submissive to the other person, which ultimately causes him or her to lose interest in you and eventually leave you anyway.
In either case, your belief that you are meant to be alone is self-reinforcing. You’ll keep perpetuating the problem, convincing yourself that you truly are alone in life, completely blind to how you just caused your own aloneness.
You’ll feel like it’s just happened to you again, without being aware of how it just happened through you and through the consciousness of your False Love Identity.
Why You Need To Stop Believing In The Wrong Thing
If you have a lot of despair around love, and you have a hard time believing healthy, happy love is possible for you, it’s usually because you are emotionally identifying with your false love identity.
Your sense of self is at odds with having happy, healthy love.
Instead, you believe you’ve been singled out to be unhappy in love.
Here’s the critical part for you to understand:
You think these beliefs are true.
And because you think they’re true, you’ll show up in ways that covertly validate this perspective. You’ll literally make choices and take actions that are designed to create more of the same. Thereby reinforcing your belief that you’re doomed to be alone.
But your disappointing relationship history is only a product of your beliefs.
Change the beliefs, and you will organically change the way you show up in life, which will then change the results you’re getting in your love life.
Creating A Beautiful Loving Future To Believe In
The moment you become aware of your old False Love Identity beliefs and the story they generate is the moment you can start creating a new love story for yourself.
Because happiness in love is outside of your old beliefs, what we want to do is begin making your False Love Identity beliefs conscious so you can challenge and correct them, and be empowered to to create your love life outside of them.
The wonderful news is that this doesn’t require years of therapy.
You can work on yourself for years analyzing your problems, and you can learn good communication skills, or you can go to assertiveness trainings.
All of these are great to try to improve your situation, yet if you don’t shift your underlying False Love Identity, you will be destined to continue to repeat and regenerate your painful patterns in love, over and over again.
Forge A New True Love Identity
Create a completely new True Love Identity— one that allows you to finally have a healthy, happy love that can last over time.
This is what will allow you to take a quantum leap in your growth beyond painful old patterns! If you’ve been making slow and steady progress through years of therapy, you’ll be amazed at how quickly transforming your love identity will transform your love life!
Because when you finally awaken to your True Love Identity, you will be free to create (and sustain!) a loving relationship where you feel wanted, seen, safe, supported, powerful, and loved beyond measure.
You do not have to keep repeating the patterns that have kept you alone. Move from resignation to the infinite possibilities you hold within yourself to create a true miracle in your love life.
Lots of love and bye for now,
P.S. When you are emotionally identified in your True Love Identity— the truth of your own value, your own power, your worthiness to love and be loved— and that you are more than enough to be deeply adored and loved just for who you are…
You are going to generate a very different story in love.