by Bobbi Palmer
Does the thought of online dating fill you with dread?
Maybe you’ve tried it, and hated everything about it. You didn’t like all the time you spent setting up your profile only to get little to NO responses. It made you very self-conscious. Why weren’t you getting noticed?
Perhaps you did receive messages, but you didn’t like the caliber of men that messaged you. It’s as if they were all looking for someone younger, maybe a bit dumber and needier, with whom they could just “hook up.”
Or maybe you’ve never tried it because you’ve heard the “horror stories” from friends and thought, “No thanks. I’ll stick with meeting single men organically.”
Except that you haven’t met any good, single, interesting men going just about your life. They’re not at the grocery store, they’re not at work (bad idea anyway), they’re not living next door to you, and they’re not acquainted with friends and family.
You keep hoping the right man will just show up while you’re enjoying your life, but so far that hasn’t happened.
Yet, you resist the thought of getting online—again, or for the first time.
You don’t like the idea of being rejected. You get discouraged thinking that all the good men aren’t online because they’re already married or in relationships.
It’s understandable that you resist the idea of getting online if those are the thoughts filling your mind!
But what if I told you that there’s something else going on with you and online dating that you haven’t considered—something that, if you knew about it, could change everything for you?
Specifically, if you’re a woman over 40, there are likely 3 big reasons why online dating hasn’t worked for you.
And these reasons aren’t what you think they are.
What’s Really Stopping You From Trying Online Dating Or Being Successful With It?
First, let me state the obvious: There’s nothing “wrong” with you.
And there’s nothing “wrong” with men, or online dating itself.
After working with thousands of women as a dating coach, both in groups and one-on-one, I can tell you that many, many women like you are finding the love of their life online. Millions! (Including myself!)
And there are many, many great men online seeking a woman like you with whom to share their life. Also millions.
Finally, if there was something wrong with online dating, well—it wouldn’t be the growing, thriving industry that it is. And you wouldn’t hear so many stories from people who found their partner online.
The reason you haven’t connected with a quality man online isn’t because:
- The men who go online are all perverts, losers, scammers or jerks.
- You’re too old or not attractive enough.
- You’re too smart and successful and you intimidate the men who only want “low-maintenance arm candy.”
- The online dating process is a giant time-suck.
Nope.
Your lack of success with finding quality men through online dating has little to do with any of the above and everything to do with your beliefs and false assumptions:
About the process of online dating,
about men,
and about yourself.
Let me repeat that again, because it’s so important:
Your beliefs and false assumptions are causing the very problems you’re experiencing with online dating. Or preventing you from even trying it in the first place.
Once you bring those false assumptions and beliefs to light and embrace the truth, your entire experience of online dating can and will change dramatically.
No more unfounded fear, no more rejection, no more disappointment, and you will finally be able to connect with more quality men than you ever thought possible.
That’s why it’s critical for you to read this next section and see if any of it resonates…
Believing These 3 Myths Is Destroying Your Ability to Find Love Online
You think you already know why online dating isn’t for you. I’ve already hinted at some possible reasons above.
But what if I told you that from my professional experience coaching thousands of women one-on-one and in workshops over the last ten years, NONE of those things are true?
The bad experiences you’ve had with online dating are actually CAUSED by the choices you make because of your beliefs, not the REASON you formed those beliefs in the first place.
In other words, the things you believe about online dating aren’t inherently true.
The problem is that you make choices based on your beliefs, and those choices create the negative outcomes you expect.
And for women over 40, this is especially challenging because you’ve probably spent YEARS entrenched in these beliefs, and maybe even finding lots of “evidence” for them (because we tend to easily find evidence for what we believe to be true—a phenomenon called confirmation bias.)
Here’s something else that may surprise you:
The women who are most successful with this tool and who find the love of their life do so—not because they’re lucky—but because they didn’t start out with these beliefs.
Or, they decided to change their beliefs, and it changed the way they showed up online. Which led to them finally finding the right man and creating a meaningful relationship with him.
So, if you haven’t had a good time or good results with online dating, or you’ve been too scared to even TRY it, you may want to ask yourself if you believe any of these 3 statements:
Myth#1: “Most men online don’t want a woman like me.”
You give up on or avoid online dating because you believe that the men there aren’t looking for a woman like you. Perhaps you’ve read profiles where a guy seems to want someone younger, more attractive, more athletic and outdoorsy than you. So you automatically dismiss him, and after a few of these you think, “I knew online dating wouldn’t work for me!”
Too bad, because for most men, the idea of meeting a much younger woman who looks like a model and runs marathons is just a fantasy, nothing more. Just like if you could, you’d order up a 6’ tall man with a PhD, no baggage and millions in the bank. We all have our fantasies!
Just because he’s kind of dumb to include a mention of his fantasy, that doesn’t mean he’s not a good man. If you believe this myth and automatically dismiss men who show even the slightest hint, you’re limiting your options and probably missing some men with great potential.
Confident, grounded, grownup men don’t want a fantasy. They want a REAL woman like YOU! It’s a fact. Statistics prove it.
Myth #2: A man should make the first move.
You believe this, so you post your profile and wait. And wait. And wait. Sometimes you can wait for a long time and little to no response to your profile. Discouraging!
If you believe that a man MUST make the first move, then this belief is closing you off to opportunities.
You see, online dating is different than meeting a man at the grocery store or through friends. Online dating etiquette says you should go for it!
And you need to know that older men don’t chase, not like men in their 20s. Mature, confident, accomplished men have “been there, done that” with the chasing thing, and the potential for rejection as well as the challenge of the chase, just doesn’t turn them on the way it used to.
That doesn’t mean you can’t be old-fashioned about this. But believing the myth and sitting back waiting for men to always make the first move online is disempowering you. There are ways to show interest and “invite” a man to make a move that won’t feel like you’re the one doing the chasing.
Myth #3: Online dating sets you up for rejection.
The last thing you want is to put yourself “out there” and get rejected.
Here’s a radical thought: Online dating is really online connecting. There’s no such thing as rejection when you’re NOT even dating.
When a man chooses not to connect based on knowing only a zillionth of who you are, it can’t be personal. You’re taking something personally when it has nothing to do with you as a person or as a woman.
Therefore, if a man ignores your profile or your message, tells you that you’re not his type, or flat out says something nasty, who cares?
It’s not like he has met you, gotten to know you, and decided he doesn’t like what he sees. He doesn’t know you! And you don’t know him so it should be easy to just move on.
Stop treating it like it’s something it’s not, and you won’t get hurt.
The More You Invest In These Myths, The More You’ll Find “Evidence” That You’re Right
To recap…
When you believe these myths, they become the very reasons why you’re not having “luck” with online dating, or why you’re avoiding even trying it.
That’s because the more you’re invested in a belief…
The more you are likely to find evidence that it’s true, or that you’re “right.”
Let’s say you believe that men are only looking for younger women. You’re human, so you are naturally going to look for evidence that you’re right.
The first profile you see of a man whose preferred age range includes younger women will reinforce your “truth”, piss you off, and compel you to subconsciously LOOK for those guys because you’re compelled to find further evidence to support your belief. You stop noticing all the quality men (and there are thousands of them) that are looking for mature, relationship-minded women like you.
You overlook those men because you’re still focused on the ones whose profiles match your beliefs. Or, you don’t bother to message men who have a younger preferred age range, worrying they’d reject you. (Even when you fit perfectly into their top age range!)
This leads to negative outcomes, such as not finding any men that seem to have potential and making assumptions that lead to no contacts or sticking you with meeting men who aren’t a good fit.
Then you say, “I knew it! I was right! Online dating sucks. It’s not for me, because men only want younger women.”
False beliefs →Negative Outcomes →Beliefs Confirmed →Stronger Beliefs →Even Worse Outcomes…
And so on.
This can go on for YEARS. (It did for me, that’s for sure.)
But there’s a way to avoid this negative cycle, and finally, have fun with online dating, and go on to meet a kind, interesting, relationship-ready man who will make you happy…for the rest of your life.
How To Avoid The Negative Cycle And Bad Outcomes And Have Fun And Success With Online Dating
There’s no reason for you to dread online dating. NONE.
And there’s no reason why you can’t get online next week and be meeting a great guy by the weekend—someone who is interested in a woman LIKE YOU.
I can teach you the secrets and skills you need in order to have fun online and meet a great guy you wouldn’t otherwise meet “organically.”
Since I can’t possibly work with every woman over 40 who needs this kind of help, I’ve partnered with Flourish so I can extend that help and guidance to as many women as possible.
When you subscribe to our FREE Relationship Advice Newsletter, you get access to more articles like these, from an accomplished community of carefully selected experts (like me!).
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- The 6 truths about men and online dating that most women don’t know, don’t believe, or don’t understand, and how these truths can transform your expectations about dating online.
- How to handle a situation where a man you’ve written doesn’t respond, responds but doesn’t initiate a meeting, or starts messaging you but then disappears—so that you don’t lose your sanity or confidence.
- The one word mantra that can help you deal with men who don’t write back, don’t ever try to actually meet, or say inappropriate things, so you can feel confident and not waste your time on jerks.
- The 3 principles of online dating that will help you stay motivated and inspired, no matter what bad experiences you’ve had with online dating and how hopeless you feel now.
- The 1 pitfall women commonly fall into with online dating because they don’t understand the psychology of older men, and how to avoid it.
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Love,
