by Bobbi Palmer
There you are, surfing or swiping through another round of online profiles…
You’re trying to keep hope alive, but so far you haven’t met anyone who blows you away. Nobody really catches your eye, and the ones who write to you don’t inspire you in the least.
But you’re doing “duty dating,” because people have told you that you need to keep trying and it’s a numbers game.
Then, it happens.
You stop dead in your tracks when you land on HIS profile.
His face, his expression, his jawline. The cheeky way he’s looking into the camera—or maybe AWAY from the camera.
You read the first paragraph of his profile. So creative! So original! You already dig the workings of his mind. You keep reading and it gets even better. This guy is SMART. And funny. And says things you totally get. It’s like he has read your mind.
One minute ago, you were in your pajamas absentmindedly whizzing past random faces. Now, you’re sitting up straight—a huge grin on your face.
There’s hope! There’s possibility! There’s your favorite dress that needs to go to the cleaners—ASAP!
You’re VERY Excited About Him. There’s Just One Little Problem…
Your grownup self knows that first impressions in person are often wrong—let alone first impressions on a computer screen.
But you’re not thinking about that…oh no.
You’ve been trudging your way through this online game with zero excitement, and you’re going to allow yourself to have some fun now.
You’re not going to let yourself remember that you know next-to-nothing about this guy.
That’s not going to stop you. You want to dream a little… let yourself ride the fantasy express just for a while.
I don’t blame you. Wanting to share your life with a partner is a legit desire, and you deserve to have it. Yet the whole process feels so out of control, like winning the lottery. You want to feel that maybe—just maybe—you’ve hit the jackpot with this one guy.
I Have Some Great News… and A Reality Check (Which Is Actually Better News Than You Think)
Here’s what’s so magical about online dating:
That guy whose profile you’re in love with—yes, he could be the ONE. He really could be. It happens every day.
It happened for me. After years of dating unsuccessfully—and growing more despondent by the minute—I hit pure gold when I met my husband.
Six months later, we were married. I was 47 years old and a first-time bride.
You might think that it happened really quickly and easily for me. But the reality is that I had many years of sucking at being online. During those years I had to learn a lot.
This is one of the biggest lessons I learned along the way:
Falling for a profile is setting yourself up for failure.
Even if the guy in question could be THE ONE, you’ll be so racked with nerves and high expectations by the time you meet him you won’t be able to be fully present on the date. You will have tarnished the beautiful experience of getting to know someone without preconceptions.
Because the reality is that a profile tells you one one-millionth about a guy.
And he knows just as little about you.
When you place such high stakes on a date, you’re likely setting both of you up for a big letdown. Worse, that initial letdown may mean that you miss the man who really could be perfect for you!
What if you have this fantasy of him and on the date his table manners aren’t spectacular? Or he’s not jonesing to travel like you are? What if, when he shows up, he isn’t showing the same level of hope and excitement you’re feeling?
Will you suddenly feel the bubble burst? When it does, will he sense your high expectations and disappointment? (You may think you can hide this kind of thing, but trust me girlfriend…you can’t.)
The next time you find yourself falling for a few pictures and words about a guy, remind yourself that you only know one one-millionth about him. Being excited is great, but keep your grownup feet firmly planted. And realize that what you learn about him may be even more amazing! Or it may not.
Conversely, remember this: a guy’s profile may seem ho-hum to you, but in person he’ll knock your socks off! That happens way more often than you think. (It’s exactly what happened to me.)
Make a man’s profile the very beginning of an exciting journey in getting to know him. Stay curious and keep an open mind. Isn’t that how you want men to show up on dates with you?
As a dating coach, I’ve helped thousands of women in the last 10 years find love online by teaching them the skills and secrets of using technology to attract the right man—including how to stay true to their values while gaining control of their dating life.
I’ve also shown women how to select smart, relationship-minded men without compromising their values or safety.
But since I can’t possibly work with every individual who needs this kind of help, I’ve partnered with Flourish so I can extend that help and guidance to as many women as possible.
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- The one word mantra that can help you deal with men who don’t write back, act weird, or say inappropriate things, so you can feel confident and not waste your time on jerks.
- The 3 principles of online dating that will help you stay motivated and inspired, no matter what bad experiences you’ve had with online dating and how hopeless you feel now.
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Love,
