by Bobbi Palmer
If you’re a heterosexual woman who is online looking to find her Forever Mate, I’m going to make certain assumptions about the type of man you’re looking for and what you expect him to do.
You want him to be smart, confident, responsible, and kind. You want him to be your “type” physically.
You want him to take charge and be proactive. You want him to lead and let you know he’s interested.
Once he contacts you, he’ll ask you questions, move the conversation along, and make the first move to meet you in person.
You appreciate a man who arranges where to meet. Once you do meet, you want him to open the door for you, pay for the coffee or meal, and walk you to your car at the end.
And afterward, if you both feel a spark, you want HIM to be the one to ask you out again.
This is what you believe a good man should do. Maybe you consider yourself old-fashioned, or you’re just more comfortable when a man is pursuing YOU, rather than the other way around.
Does all that sound right to you?
Is this what you imagined would happen when you created your online profile?
If so, like many women over 40 who are trying online dating for the first time in a long time—you’ve been disappointed by online dating. You’ve been surprised at how men aren’t like what you imagined.
Either the men you want don’t message you, or if they do, they seem a little too laid back about making the first move. Or they seem shallow or immature.
Are you nodding your head right now? If so, you’ll want to keep reading, because I’m going to reveal the TRUTH about grownup men (online), what they want, and how to find a man who will take the lead, message you, and ask you out.
It’s True. Things Aren’t What They Used to Be When You Were Much Younger.
When you were much younger, your experience of dating was probably much different than it is now.
Back then, it seemed so much easier to get a man’s attention. You’d meet at work, at college, through friends, or at parties.
A lot of the men you met were single, and if they were attracted to you, they flirted with you. They got your number. They called you. They asked you out. All YOU had to do was show up.
Now, things are not so obvious—especially not online.
Which makes you wonder…
Are men different, or are you not attracting men the way you used to? Or has dating changed?
Why aren’t you getting responses from good men online? Why aren’t the ones you’re attracted to making a move?
After more than a decade of experience helping women over 40 find their Forever Love, I can tell you that YES, things are different now, but in a way, they’re also much better.
Here’s why…
The Truth About Grownup Men and Dating After 40
It’s true that dating is different than it was when you were a decade younger. But perhaps not in the way you think.
Maybe you think men have become more shallow, and dating has become more a source of entertainment for some men rather than a way to meet a lifetime partner. Or that all the good men are taken, and the rest just want to date much younger women and have casual sex.
But that’s simply not true.
Yes, dating is different now that you’re over 40, but it’s different for different reasons.
First of all, older men don’t chase, not like men in their 20s.
Older, confident, accomplished men have “been there, done that” with the chasing thing, and the potential for rejection as well as the challenge of the chase, just doesn’t turn them on the way it used to.
They’re much less into making bold, first moves than they might have been when they were younger.
It’s not that men won’t make the first move. They usually do. But if you see a man you’d like to meet and he hasn’t yet found you… why wait?
All you have to do is give him a clear, concise signal that YOU are interested, and he’s likely to take the lead from there.
Mature guys WANT to take the lead and make you feel like a Woman with a capital W.
Yes, they really do. And they also want to feel the same things you do. They want to feel safe. Understood. Valued.
They want to fall in love with a partner who will make them happy and with whom they can share a life. Just like you do.
Grownup Men Are NOT the Boys You Used to Date—Thank Goodness!
That’s the good news.
The bad news is, if despite knowing this you insist that a man MUST make the first move online, you are closing yourself off to so many opportunities. And that’s what using online dating is all about: creating opportunities to meet single men.
If you’re adamant that a man must find your profile, message you, and then be the one to make all the moves from that point on, you’ll be waiting a long time.
I know it can feel overwhelming to suddenly change who you are. If you’re old-fashioned, that’s ok. If you’re more comfortable with letting a man take the lead, that’s ok, too.
However, there’s a way to make online dating work for you. You won’t be chasing. You’ll be inviting him to take the lead.
And that’s the other piece of good news: You can take control of your dating life without giving up your values and who you are.
The Essential Elements to Online Dating Success for Women Over 40
You have certain beliefs, values, and standards when it comes to dating.
I get it.
However, I strongly believe that empathizing with men (or knowing what they want) is absolutely essential to your dating and relationship success. (You want them to understand and empathize with you, right?)
And, yah, it would be great if men would take a class so they can learn more about you… but you only have control over yourself; what you learn and do.
After working with thousands of women in the last decade, hearing about their challenges with dating, and learning so much about grownup men ever since I met my husband online at the age of 47, I can tell you that understanding mature men is one of the essential elements to being successful with online dating. The other essential elements are:
- You have to know what men are looking for when they click through or swipe through profiles (no, it’s not “younger women”. That’s a myth!)
- You have to know how to make the right kind of feminine impression on a man that will intrigue him enough to want to message you, call you, and want to ask to meet you in person. It’s not enough just to be witty or engage him in an intellectual discussion on your favorite topic. You have to trigger a sense of romance in him, and make him feel he has a chance of winning with you.
You don’t even have to wait until you meet a man in person before all this happens, either.
There’s a way of doing this early on in the online dating process with how you compose your profile…
The words and phrases you use in your emails and messages…
And in the kind of man you select to connect with in the first place.
As a dating coach, I’ve helped thousands of women in the last 10 years find love online by teaching them the skills and secrets of using technology to attract the right man—including how to stay true to their values while gaining control of their dating life.
I’ve also showed women how to communicate with men online that gets more responses and takes things to the next level (like a meeting over coffee/tea) without feeling like they’re chasing or making all the moves.
But since I can’t possibly work with every woman over 40 who needs this kind of help, I’ve partnered with Flourish so I can extend that help and guidance to as many women as possible.
When you subscribe to our FREE Relationship Advice Newsletter, you get access to more articles like these, from an accomplished community of carefully selected experts (like me!).
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- The 6 truths about men and online dating that most women don’t know, don’t believe, or don’t understand, and how these truths can transform your expectations about dating online.
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- The one word mantra that can help you deal with men who don’t write back, act weird, or say inappropriate things, so you can feel confident and not waste your time on jerks.
- The 3 principles of online dating that will help you stay motivated and inspired, no matter what bad experiences you’ve had with online dating and how hopeless you feel now.
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Love,
