by Randi Gunther
How many times have you gotten excited about someone you were dating, only to be disappointed weeks or months later?
It’s not that you have such a hard time meeting people—it’s that you can’t seem to keep a relationship going or even get one off the ground.
Sometimes your new love interest comes on strong but later flakes out. Other times, you think this person is IT, and then you find out things about them that make you realize this is not the person you can spend your life with.
Or maybe, like many of my clients, you work so hard at relationships and never seem to get the same kind of investment in return.
For some reason or another, things just don’t work out for you.
And it hurts. A lot. Not only that, but you’re plagued with worry that you’ll never be able to sustain anything meaningful. You wonder if you’re just destined to be alone.
In this message, let’s pretend we’re face to face in my therapy office. We’re going to go through the reasons this is happening to you, open your eyes to some of the mistakes you might be making, and show you how to turn things around.
The 3 Things People Struggling In Love Have In Common
Because I counsel both singles looking for love and couples struggling to keep love alive, I have a unique perspective on what it takes to make love last.
I’ve noticed certain similarities between people who can’t find a partner and people who are in a troubled relationship. As you read through these, ask yourself if any of them are operating for you:
- You think a good relationship is always smooth sailing
If you get nervous at the sign of any disagreement in a budding relationship, and you start to question whether this person is right for you, take note.
People who jump the moment things get a little hairy in a relationship are bound to stay alone.
The truth is that every relationship—even the most loving and connected ones—will experience serious ups and downs.
It’s not about finding the one person you’ll NEVER have a disagreement with, or never be challenged by.
All love relationships worth having will have rough spots that need attention once in a while. If there are no rough spots, it may mean that one or both partners aren’t being honest about their feelings and needs. Maybe they’re afraid of conflict or upsetting their partner.
That kind of suppression can only lead to unhappiness in the long run, because you can only suppress what you need or what you’re thinking for so long.
In fact, partners who learn how to handle conflict effectively in the beginning develop the kind of deep intimacy and safety that keeps them together for the long haul.
- You work hard to “keep the peace” in your relationships
Do you make great efforts to appear as easygoing, low maintenance, and agreeable as possible when you meet someone new?
They want to go out dancing, but you’d rather just have a quiet dinner because you’re tired. But you don’t want to seem boring.
They bring up a contentious political topic and you nod in agreement, all the while squirming inside because you think they’re wrong and ill-informed. You’d rather just have a nice time on your date and not argue.
Going with the flow is fine, but not if deep down you really want something different from your partner. When you try not to “rock the boat,” you actually create the perfect conditions for a tempestuous storm.
Not only will your new partner never know your true needs and desires, or the true you, but this is an act you simply can’t keep up. Sooner or later, you’re going to explode with resentment.
And your partner will wonder where it’s all coming from.
- You ignore your deal-breakers and must-haves
When you’re longing for a love relationship, it’s easy to tell yourself that a potential “red flag” doesn’t really matter to you.
For example, your date asks your opinion about several work-related issues, and that gives you the impression he lacks confidence, or seems a little “needy.” You want to be with a man who knows what he wants and how to go about getting it.
Or he says he wants children, but his dreams of world travel seem incompatible with the timing of when you’d want children. He wants to postpone family life for a decade, but you can’t wait that long to have kids.
Or he’s very blunt and a bit of a “know it all.” You don’t mind honesty, but he seems a bit too opinionated and it puts you on the defensive. You’ve been around people like this and you know you aren’t comfortable with this type of personality long-term.
Or he’s a traditionalist, and you’re not.
You set it aside, thinking, “Well, nobody’s perfect!”
Your date is so attractive, and they like doing the same things you like, and the conversation is just flowing…so you forget what they said or did and move on.
But sometimes, the thing that you wanted to ignore is the very thing that you probably can’t ever tolerate long-term: someone who lacks confidence, is too conservative, or too blunt.
It may be a good idea to let it go when your partner makes an honest mistake, or acts less-than-perfect because he’s nervous. Or if he’s made poor choices in his past and he takes responsibility for them now.
But if you aren’t clear on what you want and need in a romantic partner, you’ll end up spending precious time dating people who will never be able to create the relationship you want.
The Common Critical Ingredient In Successful Relationships
When you look over the three mistakes above, notice that there’s one common theme running through all of them:
Radical authenticity.
For a relationship to work, people need to be raw and real with themselves and with each other.
That means you have to be so honest that you risk creating conflict, making waves, and calling it quits.
Read that last sentence again, because it’s what everything I teach rests on.
It may seem incredibly scary to reveal what you want, what you need, and who you are. You may think that doing so will severely diminish your prospects.
You may be terrified that you’ll end up dying alone.
But I guarantee you that this is the only path to the lasting love you long for.
Why? Because anything else is just a fantasy.
You can’t control whether or not someone will fall in love and stay devoted to you by controlling how they perceive you. If your true self is vastly different than the person they fell in love with, it’s going to catch up with you sooner or later.
Maybe it’ll catch up with you because you won’t be able to tolerate pretending you like the things you said you did. It’ll catch up with you because you’ll attract someone whose values are incompatible with yours, and it will make you feel lonely inside the relationship.
Yes, being real can be risky. Your date may not like the same things you like. Some of your faults and quirks aren’t all that charming, and they may see that.
But when you tiptoe around a partner, hide what you really want, or pretend something is not important to you, you’re not building an indestructible relationship.
You’re precariously piecing together a house of cards that will inevitably collapse at the smallest obstacle.
How To “Do” Heroic Honesty To Attract And Keep Lasting Love
When you commit to shoving your fears aside and being radically authentic, it’s a leap of faith.
But you’ll start to see the magic in it before long. Because when you have this kind of self awareness and confidence, you are truly magnetic.
You’ll effortlessly weed the wrong partners out and draw in your one amazing life partner.
And when you meet this person, you’ll be able to sustain your love through every season of your life together.
This isn’t easy at first, and it’s not going to happen if you keep doing what you’ve been doing.
That’s why I want to help you through my program Dating Rehab.
I will take you, step-by-step, through a process where you’ll discover more about yourself, so that you can maximize your best qualities without having to hide your vulnerabilities.
I’ll show you how to be radically authentic in a way that isn’t over-sharing or overbearing.
You’ll learn what to ask him on the first few dates that offers you keen insight into his traits without coming across as interrogating or awkward.
You’ll get strategies to stay focused and relaxed, so he can get to know the “real you” and not some image you think you need to promote.
With a clear dating strategy from the beginning, you’ll avoid the people who will only break your heart. Instead, you’ll attract the right partner.
You’ll stop working so hard at finding love. No more trying to “prove” yourself to anyone! You can relax, knowing you can show up fearlessly, just as you are, and you’ll end up with the right person.
Here’s HowBest of all, Dating Rehab teaches you how to KEEP the love you find so that you can finally STOP dating.
There’s absolutely no reason for you to be alone. Your romantic future is entirely in your hands. You can shape it the way you want if you know what it takes to attract the right partner and build lasting love.
Dating Rehab will guide you through every step of the way, as if I were right by your side leading you into the relationship you’ve been waiting for. It’s my privilege to teach you how to finally find the safety, security, and connection your heart desires.
xoxo,
Dr. Randi
P.S. Can’t get past the third date?
Tired of getting excited about someone only to see it fizzle?
Chances are, you’re accidentally ignoring certain qualities in a partner. In Section 4 of my program, Dating Rehab, you’ll learn how to know if he’s good enough for you. It’s my secret formula for zeroing in on your ideal match:
Get It Here