by Ken Page
Have you ever gone on a date with a guy, had a wonderful time, thought he was a little bit cute and maybe a whole lot of “nice,” but you weren’t sure there was enough chemistry between you?
Maybe you felt a spark of attraction. Which means there was something about him that intrigued you: his eyes, the way his smile lit up his entire face, the way he laughed wholeheartedly.
But he wasn’t exactly your “type”.
For example, you like a strong, burly type but he was tall and lanky.
Or he was more “hipster” than “polished and corporate” (or vice-versa).
And he didn’t have that wicked sense of humor you like so much.
So you went home from the date thinking this person was perfectly nice but not exactly the right person for you. But you hesitated writing him off because of your past relationship experiences.
Perhaps you’ve been hurt before by people who you were weak-in-the-knees for, but who couldn’t love you back. Or you felt crazy for men who drove you crazy because they’d disappear for days, then call you again as if nothing had happened, then disappear again without warning.
You don’t want to go down that road again. You don’t want to fall for bad boys or jerks. You don’t want to feel duped and used.
You want to be with a good person and create a healthy, happy relationship—but—you also want to feel head-over-heels in love.
Is it possible?
More to the point, can you develop an erotic attraction to someone who is good for you, if you aren’t feeling a whole lot of chemistry right now?
You Can’t Force Romantic Attraction, But If There’s Already an Ember, It Can Become a Wildfire
Let me be perfectly clear: I’m not saying that you can force yourself to be attracted to someone you feel repulsed by or whom you could never ever imagine kissing.
What I am saying that if there’s already a spark, an ember, or something about this person that draws you in, whether it’s their looks or their personality, it is possible to fan that ember into a full-blown wildfire of passion.
It’s not only possible, it’s healthy and desirable to do so.
When you have a glimmer of attraction to someone who accepts you, adores you and is available to you emotionally—that’s a certain type of attraction that can, and should, be cultivated.
I call this healthy kind of relationship an attraction of inspiration.
In my experience as a psychotherapist, I’ve observed that many don’t give this type of attraction enough of a chance because of this false notion that relationships need to be based on high levels of chemistry and attraction that you feel immediately. This means that if the perception is that there’s not enough chemistry, these potentially sweet relationships are prematurely dismissed.
Then there are what I call attractions of deprivation, and they are relationships in which many linger…for much too long.
These are attractions to relationships that never quite gel the way you want them to, despite wild sexual chemistry. These are relationships with people who may seem exciting and your perfect “type,” but are disappointing because the person can never love you the way you want to be loved.
(They’re in love with someone else or married to their career. They’re drop dead gorgeous, but they’re also unkind and dishonest. And so on.)
These attractions of deprivation can keep you distracted and single for years, even decades.
I frequently see clients who are trying desperately to understand why that “perfect” person won’t commit to them or love them right, and why they keep waiting, year after year, for something to change.
All because there’s a lot of chemistry and passion and sexual compatibility, but not enough availability, acceptance and kindness.
The More You Get To Know Someone, What You Consider Attractive Changes
Have you ever fallen for a friend?
Maybe when you first met, you didn’t consider them your type. This was a good, kind, person who was interesting to talk to. You spent a lot of time together. Maybe you developed emotional intimacy with them.
You felt like you could relax and be yourself around them.
You accepted their strengths and weaknesses and they accepted yours.
As time went by, you started to become more and more attracted to them. Even their quirks and imperfections became alluring to you.
Before you knew it, you found yourself having sexual fantasies about them.
The researcher Dr. Eli Finkel wrote an article in which he stated that essentially the more you get to know someone, the more the chemistry between the two of you takes over and what you consider “attractive” changes.
Now, obviously, we won’t fall in love with all of our friends, but the point is that this can happen. You can develop a strong physical and emotional attraction to someone with whom you initially didn’t feel particularly drawn to.
Sexual and romantic attraction is much more plastic and changeable than we think. That’s good news to those of us for whom those attractions of deprivation are so infuriatingly common.
It means we can decide the kind of person we want to love and then choose that person, even if we’re not feeling completely smitten on the first date. That initial ember of attraction can develop and grow over time. It can become the love that will sustain and nurture us our entire lives.
That’s why knowing HOW to cultivate those attractions of inspiration—to people who are decent and available—is so important.
And why knowing how to lose our taste for those exciting (but ultimately painful) attractions of deprivation is also key.
This isn’t particularly intuitive, but it can be done, if you’re ready to change the trajectory of your entire love life.
And that’s where I can help.
Warmly,
