by Pat Love
When you and your partner were first falling in love, you probably rarely argued.
You were still getting to know each other and little annoyances were likely not that big of a deal. You either chose to ignore them or you may have had a heart-to-heart discussion with your beloved about them.
In the beginning of your relationship, you were both highly motivated to listen and pay attention to each other’s needs.
But over time, as your relationship has “settled,” these little annoyances have resurfaced.
You realize they never really went away.
They’ve just evolved.
They’ve become the arguments that you keep having with each other over and over. Or the heart-wrenching drama that keeps repeating in your relationship.
One day it’s about how your partner isn’t proactive in helping out with the household chores when you’re so overwhelmed. Another day it can be that they forgot to pay the credit card bill and now you’re facing a late fee you really can’t afford. Or it becomes the argument about how you’re always the one loading the dishwasher while they’re always the one who leaves dirty dishes on tables and counters.
You even use the same phrases when you’re having the same argument. For example:
“You’re not stepping up!”
“I’m tired of you nagging at me all the time!”
“I’m tired of having to do everything around here.”
“I don’t know what you want from me. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you!”
And so on.
This tiresome pattern is like a broken record that keeps skipping on the same sad sentence, I’m not happy in this relationship. I’m not happy in this relationship. I’m not happy in this relationship.
You Think You Know What the Problem Is…But You’re Probably Wrong
You probably think you know what needs to happen in order for your relationship problems to be fixed once and for all.
Your partner needs to change in some way.
Maybe they need to change how much energy they’re contributing to the relationship. Maybe they need to be more supportive and less selfish. Maybe they need to admit they’re a workaholic and that their physical absence from your relationship is tearing it apart.
Maybe they need to wake up to the fact that you’re growing apart because you never talk, never do anything fun, and the romance is dead.
When I used to have a private family and marriage counseling practice, the person who made the appointment would often want me to listen to their complaints and validate that they were right and their partner was wrong.
They were convinced that the reason they kept arguing about the same things, over and over, without anything getting resolved, was that there was something fundamentally wrong with their partner.
Their partner was clueless, boring, stubborn, or self-absorbed.
Or they thought the big problem was a lack of communication (and that their partner was the one who wasn’t listening or understanding.)
After hearing about the details of the arguments and making certain observations about the interaction, I often came to a different conclusion:
What they thought was the problem wasn’t the REAL problem.
They had spent YEARS arguing about things that were never going to get resolved because they were never able to see underneath the arguments to what was really wrong. And if you’re wrong about what’s broken, how can you fix it?
Which leads me to ask:
Why is it that you can’t seem to solve your relationship problems? Is it possible that what YOU think the problem is, isn’t the real problem, either?
The Much Bigger, Broader Issue In Your Relationship
I have over four decades of clinical practice experience and I’ve scoured thousands of pages of research on relationships and psychology.
What I discovered really opened my eyes and helped me show my clients to see things in a whole new way, too. And it’s this:
Almost ALL relationship problems can be traced to one of five major issues. These issues are underlying malfunctions in how you and your partner operate as a couple.
The problem is that most couples spend all their time focusing on the wrong thing, arguing about the wrong thing, and talking about the wrong thing.
So therefore nothing ever really gets solved.
Instead of arguing about how your partner isn’t stepping up…
Or not communicating with you…
Or spending too much money…
What you need to be doing is addressing the underlying malfunction in how you and your partner organize your relationship, the assumptions you’re making, and the things you’re prioritizing.
It’s only then that you can finally fix your relationship problems and stop having the same tired, boring arguments over and over.
I can show you how to do this without having to have endless talks, more arguments, or spend hours in a therapist’s office together.
How To Transform Your Marriage From The Inside Out And Feel Loved, Supported, And Seen Again
You’re not doomed to spend the rest of your life with a partner that can’t make you happy, just because you keep arguing about the same things that never get better.
That’s because there’s a way to get a brand-new perspective on what your problems are, and take steps to transform your relationship.
Once you and your partner get that perspective, your entire marriage shifts in a positive direction.
You begin to work together toward common goals, you stopped bickering over the small stuff, and you made choices that are in alignment with the greater vision for their marriage.
While I’d love to be able to work with everyone individually to help you uncover what’s really underneath your relationship problems, it’s just not possible for me to do so.
That’s why I’ve partnered with Flourish, so I can extend that help and guidance to as many people as possible, since almost all couples can benefit from these insights and tips.
When you subscribe to our FREE Relationship Advice Newsletter, you get access to more articles like these, from an accomplished community of carefully selected experts (like me!).
You’ll also learn:
- How to “break-up proof” your relationship by getting to the bottom of WHY you feel dissatisfied, resentful, unloved or bored with your partner, and the specific tools to help you reconnect and fall deeply in love again.
- How to address the underlying issues related to almost any relationship problem you’re experiencing, whether it’s your partner being inconsiderate, or growing apart in your relationship, or dealing with financial issues or a lack of passion.
- Specific things you can do on your own to improve your marriage, even if your partner is not on board, or you can’t seem to be able to discuss your concerns with them right now.
- Specific tips on how to improve your connection with your partner without having to engage in long, drawn-out discussions or even couples’ therapy.
- The single greatest predictor of divorce, and what you can do today to reverse this if you recognize it in yourself or your partner.
Simply enter your name and email address in the box, and you’ll get all this plus much, much more.
It’s free, it’s easy, and you’ll be amazed at what a difference the tips and insights will make in your relationship!
A relationship doesn’t need to lose passion and connection, just because you’ve been together for a long time. Just the opposite! It should get sweeter and more loving with time.
A relationship CAN be enlivening and wonderful, if you have the right knowledge and tools.
The advice contained in the articles I’ve written for Flourish will help you uncover the hidden issues that are draining your relationship of joy and passion, and help you create and maintain a strong foundation of love and respect, so that your relationship can last a lifetime.
May you have an extraordinary day,
