Is There Something Your Partner Does That Turns You Off? Or Something You’re Hungry To Receive?

by Felice Dunas

You’re in bed sharing an intimate moment with your partner, and things are moving along well.

Then suddenly he or she does something that completely surprises you, and you think, “What the heck was that?”

Maybe this isn’t the first time.

This irritating or upsetting behavior has been going on for a while, and you really have had no idea what to do about it.

How on Earth are you supposed to express your thoughts or feelings about behavior that is so personal or expressed at such an intimate time?

The last thing you want to do is cause a rift in your relationship or embarass your partner. But you also really don’t want to have this thing ruin your experience.

What are you supposed to do?

Do you overlook it and just focus on what you do like? Do you interrupt the moment and express your displeasure or say how turned off you are?

Vulnerability Can’t Be Selective. You’re Either All In, Or Not.

Real intimacy is built on the willingness to be vulnerable, authentic, and real.

These qualities exist when two people are completely naked with each other—both physically AND emotionally.

The moment you’re withholding a truth from your partner, you’re putting up a wall that blocks vulnerability—because you are keeping a secret. And you’re also blocking pleasure.

Even if you don’t say a word, you may be less engaged and your partner may feel that you’re pulling back, that you’re not truly giving yourself to the moment. There will be distance, and you will be denying both of you the depths of connection and the heights of pleasure.

On the other hand, when you can be completely vulnerable with your partner, and you can hold a safe space for BOTH of you to say exactly what’s on your mind, then you create true intimacy. When you have true intimacy and feel totally safe with your partner, then you feel totally loved—and pleasure skyrockets exponentially.

It’s an experience that just can’t be beat.

So let’s look at how you can close any gap between what’s happening between the sheets and what you really want.

As an acupuncturist and doctor of Chinese Medicine specializing in sexuality, patients come to me with this dilemma all the time. Here are the three “rules” you’d hear me tell them.

Sex Talk Rule #1: Make Sure You’re Both Vertical

Many couples who run into trouble in bed find themselves sitting up, physically separating and having a conversation with sheets covering their nakedness—arms crossed over chests.

This is awkward to say the least, and it’s likely not going to give you the kind of results you want, anyway. While you may think “seizing the moment” is the way to go, the best place to talk about sex is outside the bedroom.

When we are horizontal and naked, we are extremely vulnerable. This vulnerability does not translate into constructive conversations easily.

If at all possible, I tell my patients to have conversations about sex when you are vertical and have your clothes on. People are less “touchy” when they feel more in control. And everyone feels least in control when interrupted while naked and in the midst of passion.

Sex Talk Rule #2: Timing, Tone, And Location Are Everything

Whenever you are in doubt about how you should come across when communicating something sensitive, think about how YOU would feel on the other end of it. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. While the two of you are likely not carbon copies of each other (and that’s a good thing!), most people need to be eased in to conversations about what they’re doing in the bedroom.

Remember to be kind above all else. It’s always best to be calm and loving when you communicate about a sensitive subject like sexual performance.

I suggest you have a conversation someplace quiet, like a park or a private restaurant booth. This gives you the opportunity to focus in on a tough subject and then distract yourselves when you need a break from it by focusing instead on what is going on around you.

And it doesn’t have to be long. Sometimes brief and light get your point across much more effectively than launching into a serious sermon.

While you may end up deep in dialogue, focus on creating a more positive experience rather than harping on or over emphasizing a negative one.

Sex Talk Rule #3: Make It A Sandwich

No, this isn’t a sexual position (although I’ll teach you lots of those in Passion Play).

The “sandwich” is a technique for giving any kind of constructive suggestion. It’s really simple: You “sandwich” the suggestion between two positive statements:

First: “I love kissing you.”

Then: “When we are kissing and you are also stroking me, would you mind softening your touch? I could relax more if you did.”

Finally: “Then everything you do will feel even better—and I will barely be able to keep my hands off you!”

See how the first positive statement “primes” your partner to be receptive (rather than recoil in defensiveness)? The addition of the second positive statement only adds to the “light and breezy” attitude you want to maintain here.

Getting More Of What You Want (And Discovering Some New Pleasures)

When partners are truly in sync with each other, talking about sex and how to improve it is necessary, because it’s an opportunity to grow even deeper together. It may require courage to talk openly about this aspect of your love life, but harnessing that courage is well worth it.

What you might not know is that having more sex—and doing it skillfully—can bring you closer together in a way that talking does not.

That may sound surprising and a little unbelievable if you’re a woman, and a total breath of reassuring fresh air if you’re a man.

As a woman, I have no problem admitting that men have wisdom in this arena—they intuitively know the power of sex to actually generate connection and love. Instead of balking at this, women can use their partner’s inner knowing to their advantage—to be flexible by allowing the truth that sexual connection can inspire emotional connection, too.

In my program Passion Play, I’ll teach you the time-tested sexual secrets of the Ancient Chinese, who were masters at using skillful sex to both enhance their health AND their relationships.

You’ll learn not just how to vary your repertoire of positions and foreplay, but how to prolong orgasm and mix things up so you’re both learning and growing together. And yes, one partner alone can practice what’s in Passion Play and totally change the dynamic of the pleasure and the relationship. Even if your partner is not actively engaged, you can educate yourself and that will support both of you in growing.

You can have more of what you want, less of what you don’t, and discover new techniques and approaches you never even knew could take you to the heights of ecstasy.

Warmly,

P.S. Sometimes your partner does something that really turns you off or even hurts, and you can’t help it but speak up about something in bed—even if it interrupts the flow.

In these moments, it’s best to be honest and as kind as possible.