by Margaret Paul
Is jealousy a problem in your relationship?
When your partner is late coming home from work or a social event, do you start wondering if they’re cheating on you, even though you have no other reason to suspect that?
Does it twist you up to see your partner having a friendly banter with someone attractive, or do you feel a knot in your stomach if your partner says something flattering about someone else?
Maybe you’re afraid to admit to your partner that you’re secretly seething inside when you know your partner is spending time with someone attractive or charismatic.
Jealousy can be the cause of arguments and underlying resentment in your relationship.
But it doesn’t have to be.
If you want to know how to stop jealousy from ruining your relationship, keep reading, because I’m going to explain why this is an issue with you in the first place.
And then I’ll explain how you can feel safe, relaxed, and secure in your relationship, no matter if your partner changes their behavior or not.
“My Partner Knows It Upsets Me, But He/She Does It Anyway.”
Here’s a typical complaint I’d often hear from clients who’d come to me for counseling and advice on jealousy:
“My husband has become friends with the woman next door and when he talks with her, I feel crazy with jealousy. I don’t think it’s right that he’s friends with her. He knows it upsets me but he keeps doing it anyway. How can I get him to care more about how I feel?”
I can’t tell you how often I’d hear something like this—from both men and women.
One partner looks at, spends time with, or compliments someone, and the other partner feels scared or infuriated.
They can’t believe that their partner would dare do something like that in front of them.
They say it’s disrespectful.
Hurtful.
Inconsiderate.
They start accusing the partner of wanting to have an affair, or not loving them.
They make demands.
They want their partner to stop talking to the other person.
Stop being friends with them. Stop looking at them and thinking about them.
Maybe even quit their job—in order not to have to be in proximity to this “threat” to their relationship.
In response to these demands, their partner shrugs it off or acts confused and defensive.
He or she doesn’t understand where all of this is coming from.
They don’t think they’re doing anything “wrong” and are incensed about being told to alter their behavior in any way.
Meanwhile, there’s something the jealous partner isn’t seeing or acknowledging…
Not about their partner’s behavior or unwillingness to change, or why their partner is insisting on doing the very things that make them jealous.
No, what they’re not seeing or acknowledging is something important about themselves.
The Blindspot You Have When You’re In A Fog Of Jealousy
When you see your partner cozying up to that incredibly attractive person at a party…
Or when you learn they took a cute coworker out to lunch…
Or you heard them greet your friend, “hey, beautiful” in front of you…
It hurts you.
You want your partner to make your pain go away.
You want him or her to tell you that you’re the most attractive, and they would never do anything to betray you, because they love you so much.
You think: if only your partner would reassure you, you’d feel better.
Here’s what you’re probably NOT thinking:
“Why am I so jealous in the first place?”
And this is your blind spot.
You see, even if your partner does or says something to placate you in the moment, or “prove” to you that they love you and only you, it’ll never heal the underlying cause of your jealousy.
It may temporarily give you relief from the pain, but ultimately, your jealous feelings will just keep coming back and become an even bigger issue in your relationship in the future.
You’ll think you’re being “normal” because you’re jealous, and it’s your partner who is being difficult because they are causing you to be jealous.
That’s a common misconception. Here’s why…
Jealousy Is NOT A Sign That You And Your Partner Love Each Other
You can genuinely love someone for a lifetime and never feel one iota of jealousy.
Jealousy isn’t a sign that you love someone, it’s a sign that you fear that you are not good enough—not attractive enough, not smart enough, not successful enough.
Jealousy comes from the false belief that there is something essentially wrong with you.
That false belief originated when we were much younger, when we didn’t receive the love we needed from our parents or other caregivers. We may have falsely concluded that it was because there was something wrong with us, rather than because they just didn’t know how to be loving.
We also absorbed many false beliefs about our adequacy and lovability from our parents, peers, teachers, religious leaders, and the media—that we have to look a certain way or act a certain way to be okay.
We see people who are slimmer, more attractive, and more successful than we are, and we think we don’t measure up in these superficial ways.
Most of us didn’t receive mirroring for our beautiful true soul self—the spark of God-which-is-love within each of us. Our parents and others projected onto us their judgments of themselves, so they couldn’t see and value us.
If you had been seen and deeply valued and loved for who you really are in your soul essence, you would deeply value yourself and you would know why your partner loves you.
Heal Your RelationshipYou wouldn’t be expecting your partner to validate you, or “prove” they love you by not talking to or being around anyone that you perceived as “better than” you.
You would not be making your partner responsible for defining your self-worth.
You would know your self-worth, and it wouldn’t threaten you in the least bit if your partner gave their attention to someone else.
But, you may be asking, how can you have self-worth, especially if you grew up in an environment where your parents or caregivers instilled self-doubt in you?
By learning how to take loving care of yourself through a process called Inner Bonding.
How To Value Yourself And Never Feel Jealous Or Insecure Again
Healing from feelings such as jealousy, insecurity, and low self-esteem occurs when you learn to see who you really are in your beautiful soul, rather than defining yourself by your looks and achievements.
That’s because as long as you make others responsible for defining your self-worth, you will feel threatened when your partner gives attention to someone else.
My Inner Bonding process helps you develop self-worth in a few simple steps.
I co-developed this process in 1984 to help clients overcome the false beliefs that were instilled in childhood from parents, caregivers, peers, and teachers. Not only does it help you reverse those destructive false beliefs, but more importantly, it shows you how to take loving care of yourself so that you’re not dependent on others to make you feel valued and lovable.
My 30-day program, Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love, will show you how to do the Inner Bonding process.
You’ll also learn how to be more mindful and aware of your feelings in the context of your love relationship, and what these feelings really mean about you and your partner.
It then shows you what to do in order to love yourself.
When you decide to learn to love yourself rather than judge yourself and abandon your feelings, you will no longer feel jealous.
When you learn to see and value yourself, you will know why your partner loves you.
You will be able to stop trying to control your partner into giving you what you haven’t been giving yourself, and you will be able to feel your partner’s love for you, as well as your love for your partner. You will find yourself no longer competing with others for your partner’s attention.
This is just one benefit of many you’ll get from doing the 30-day Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love video program:
Start WatchingWhen you learn to treat yourself as someone you love, jealousy will no longer be a problem for you!
Imagine being so relaxed and confident in your partner’s love that nothing (and no one) can ruffle your feathers.
It can happen, let me show you how.
Blessings,
P.S. Having self-worth can change everything for you.
It can make your relationship more loving, because you’re no longer looking to your partner to validate your lovability or value. It can boost your career, because you go after opportunities without hesitation because you’ll no longer wonder if you’re “good enough.” It can make your friendships better, because you’re no longer a doormat for energy vampires.
Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love will take you through a process that will help you heal your sense of self-worth and make ALL your relationships better. You can start watching in a matter of minutes here:
Start Watching