by Pat Love
When you first fell in love with your partner, you thought that sharing a life together would be the ultimate bliss.
You imagined that you finally found the person who was so right for you.
They completely “got” you and accepted you. You could be yourself around them. They knew exactly what to say to make you feel better when you were down. Maybe they were your exact “type” physically, too.
They made you feel so adored, so seen, so wanted.
Has your relationship changed since then?
Maybe you’ve been:
Growing Apart. You’re often making plans without this person, or they’re often preoccupied with work or their hobbies. They don’t even look at you when you say something. It’s as if they’re bored with you. It’s as if they’ve “checked out” from the relationship. Sometimes you feel as if you’re holding up the entire relationship on your own.
Fighting and Bickering. The smallest things seem to set you or your partner off. They buy the wrong brand of toothpaste, they forget to load the dishwasher, they show up ten minutes late for a parent-teacher conference. When did you go from being so connected to getting on each other’s nerves?
Dealing With Their Controlling Behavior. They don’t like the way you fold their laundry, they scrutinize what you’ve been buying for yourself, they suddenly criticize the way you look. You’re walking on eggshells around them and wondering what they’re going to rage about next.
Feeling Neglected. It’s as if your feelings don’t matter to them. They can’t seem to understand how hurt you are and how selfish they’ve been.
You’ve brought these issues up. Maybe even more than once.
You talk, things get emotional, you come up with some solutions and for a while, things get better. They “step up” and pay attention more. They call when they’re going to be late. They make an effort to make plans to do something fun together. They take an interest in how you’re doing instead of droning on and on about themselves all the time.
But this heightened enthusiasm to tune in and make things better rarely lasts for long.
It’s just a matter of time before he or she defaults back to the same pattern of poor communication, self-centeredness, neglect, drama and fighting, blame and criticism. You don’t want this to be your “new normal”. You don’t want to live the rest of your life feeling heartbroken and unloved.
You don’t want to continue feeling so alone and yet bound to this person.
You think that unless something changes, you can’t stay in this relationship.
And this is the moment when so many couples make a critical error of judgment that leads them down a slippery slope to breaking up or divorce.
Are You Making The One Critical Mistake That Destroys Relationships?
Something DOES need to change, and you believe you know what that is: Your partner!
Your partner needs to get a clue, step up, or realize how their behavior is affecting you.
So you express your concerns or unhappiness, but all they do is get defensive. Or they refuse to change because they think YOU are the one with the problem.
You can’t help but wonder:
… Did my partner change because they’ve gotten too comfortable in our relationship?
… Are they taking me for granted?
… It’s as if what I want doesn’t matter.
… Why didn’t I see this before?
… Did I pick the wrong person?
Soon after you have this realization the walls start closing in on your relationship.
You start to see your problems as their fault. You start to nit-pick what they say and do, looking for “evidence” that they are, in fact, all wrong for you. You complain to your friends and they rally behind you, telling you that you “deserve better”.
You make a list in your mind of all the times you gave them a chance to make things right and they failed or outright ignored you.
The evidence mounts with every perceived transgression, every look of disapproval, every subtle jab at your character or intelligence. You convince yourself that the only way you can ever be happy again is if you leave the relationship.
And this is the critical mistake that so many couples make: They believe that they picked the wrong person, that they’re fundamentally incompatible, that their partner has “changed” and that’s why things aren’t working out and they’re unhappy.
How do you remedy the fact that you ended up with the wrong person? They are who they are. It’s an irreparable situation.
But in fact, what’s wrong isn’t the person.
It’s the relationship system. And this CAN be fixed!
Here’s what I mean…
What You Thought Was the Problem Was Never the Real Problem
When I used to have a private practice, couples would come to me all the time complaining of a myriad of problems. Problems much like the ones I mentioned earlier in this article: Not helping out enough, not being supportive enough, acting selfish and inconsiderate, being emotionally absent from the relationship, to name a few.
Almost all of the couples wanted me to validate them in some way—take sides, in other words, so they could feel they were “right,” and their partner was the one in the “wrong”.
Sometimes they would be so fed up with their partner that they wanted me to agree that it was hopeless, because they picked the wrong person.
It’s as if they wanted my permission to end the relationship and start over (presumably with someone new and more considerate, more in tune with them, more generous with their time and affection).
But I couldn’t do that.
I couldn’t do that because what I saw almost each and every time was that what they thought was their problem wasn’t the REAL problem.
The real problem isn’t that your partner is flawed in some way. Or has changed. Or has always been a selfish jerk (and you just didn’t see it before because you’d been blinded by love).
No, there’s a much bigger, broader issue in your relationship that has to do with:
- how you and your partner behave together within the relationship
- how you organize your relationship, and
- the underlying assumptions you’re making about how your relationship should function.
And these are areas that can be addressed and resolved, but not in the usual way that couples were going about it. Not through incessant arguments, talking it to death, stonewalling, criticizing or blaming.
And certainly not by deciding you picked the wrong person and breaking up so you can start fresh… alone or with someone else.
Once you address and resolve the bigger, underlying issue that’s affecting your happiness as a couple, all your smaller, annoying “problems” will stop destroying your relationship.
You’ll stop thinking that your partner is inconsiderate and selfish, and they’ll stop being defensive or accusing you of controlling and attacking him or her.
You won’t bicker about whose turn it is to pick up the kids or unload the dishwasher and your relationship will feel like a partnership instead of a dictatorship.
You’ll be inspired to do fun and creative things as a couple. You’ll laugh together, have heart-felt conversations and feel alive again.
I know it seems almost impossible right now if you’re convinced that your partner isn’t the person you thought they were. It seems hopeless because you think you’re simply not meant to be together.
I assure you, though, there’s a simple way to turn your relationship around, no matter how much of a dead end you think you’re in right now.
How To Avoid the Critical Mistakes That Sabotage Love So You Can Be Happy Again
It’s a very common mistake to think that the reason you aren’t happy in your relationship is because you’ve picked the wrong person who isn’t capable of meeting your needs. When you don’t know what the real issue is, it’s easy to cast blame on your partner.
So many couples do this to their detriment. Instead of fixing the underlying issue, they think that it’s hopeless because they’re with the wrong person. That’s why I say it’s the #1 mistake sabotaging what could otherwise be very happy relationships.
There are 2 other common mistakes couples make that sabotage their love, which I’ll be revealing soon in another article—look for those articles to appear soon on Facebook, or sign up right now to receive our Relationship Advice Newsletter, and get these plus many more helpful articles directly in your inbox—for free.
When I work with couples to help them see what’s really behind their fighting, boredom, conflicts, and disconnect, they have a huge “AHA.”
They finally “get” what’s missing, and exactly what they need to do to get their love back on track. And they come to realize they’re with the right person, they were just going about fixing their relationship the wrong way. And they’re so relieved!
But I can’t possibly work individually with everyone who needs that kind of help. That’s why I’ve partnered with Flourish, so I can extend that help and guidance to as many people as possible, since almost all couples can benefit from these insights and tips.
When you subscribe to our FREE Relationship Advice Newsletter, you get access to more articles like these, from an accomplished community of carefully selected experts (like me!).
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- How to “break-up proof” your relationship by getting to the bottom of WHY you feel dissatisfied, resentful, unloved or bored with your partner, and the specific tools to help you reconnect and fall deeply in love again.
- How to address the underlying issues related to almost any relationship problem you’re experiencing, whether it’s your partner being inconsiderate, or growing apart in your relationship, or dealing with financial issues or a lack of passion.
- Specific things you can do on your own to improve your marriage, even if your partner is not on board, or you can’t seem to be able to discuss your concerns with them right now.
- How to improve your connection with your partner without having to engage in long, drawn-out discussions or even couples’ therapy.
- The single greatest predictor of divorce, and what you can do today to reverse this if you recognize it in yourself or your partner.
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A relationship doesn’t need to lose passion and connection, just because you’ve been together for a long time. Just the opposite! It should get sweeter and more loving with time. It CAN be enlivening and wonderful, if you have the right knowledge and tools.
The advice contained in the articles I’ve written for Flourish will help you uncover the hidden issues that are draining your relationship of joy and passion, and help you create and maintain a strong foundation of love and respect, so that your relationship can last a lifetime.
May you have an extraordinary day,
