Don’t Feel Turned On By Your Partner? Want It More Than They Do? The Key To Connecting In The Bedroom

by Margaret Paul

During the many years I’ve counseled couples, I’ve listened to a lot of complaints from heterosexual couples about the frequency and quality of their lovemaking.

The most common ones from MEN were similar to these:

My wife is in control of our sex life. If she wants it, then we have it. If she doesn’t, then I have no say about it. Why does it always have to be her way?

My wife complains that she needs to feel intimate before we make love, but I get to intimacy through making love.

I don’t reach out for sex much anymore because I’m tired of being rejected, but my wife says she wants to be pursued in a romantic way. This feels like a no-win to me.

I think if my wife really cares about me and my needs, she would have sex with me even when she isn’t turned on.

And some of the complaints I’ve often heard from WOMEN:

He always seems to be ready for sex, but I don’t feel turned on unless we are feeling close. I can’t just watch TV all evening and then feel like making love.

I often feel pulled on for sex, as if having sex is more important than caring about me. When I do what he wants, I feel used, and when I don’t, I run into his anger, resentment, blame, or withdrawal. It feels like a no-win.

My husband often comes to me like a needy little boy, wanting me to pacify him or validate him with sex. Ugh! There is nothing erotic about an insecure, needy little boy!

There must be something wrong with me. I just don’t ever feel turned on anymore and I rarely even think about sex.

There’s a very good reason why these sentiments are so commonplace—men and women don’t really understand how different they are when it comes to sex!

This fundamental misunderstanding is the reason why some women don’t feel turned on enough to want to do it, and why some men are frustrated and rejected for wanting to do it more often.

Understanding the difference behind both of your drives and desires, and acting in accordance with that understanding is key to connecting in the bedroom with your partner.

Unless you are aware of both your AND your partner’s biological and emotional needs, and more importantly, whether your partner is even able to fulfill your innermost needs, you’ll never be fully satisfied in the bedroom.

But before I get to that, let’s start by examining just how different your desires are from those of your partner…

The Differences Between Men And Women When It Comes To Sex, And Why It Matters

What drives anyone to even want to do it?

Testosterone. It is the biological driver of the human sex drive.

Biologically, men generally have more testosterone than women. That means that men (especially under the age of 40) are biologically equipped to “want it” and be up for it most of the time.

This readiness and willingness is nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the species.

Women, on the other hand, experience this heightened level of willingness mostly when they’re ovulating.

This biological disparity alone can cause big problems in heterosexual relationships, because men and women aren’t able to control their biology or hormones in order to be more in tune with their partner’s level of desire.

Women can and do get turned on outside of their hormonal cycle—usually when their man is open, caring, romantic, and personally powerful. But if a man acts angry, closed off, distant, or needy, most women can’t feel desire.

When couples aren’t being mindful or aware of the way these desires work in each other, they can unintentionally create dynamics that turn their partner off.

That’s why there are things, besides the facts of hormones and biology, that both men and women need to acknowledge about the opposite sex.

What Women Need To Know About Men When It Comes To Sex

If you’re a woman, you can accept that your partner thinks about sex frequently throughout the day and may be capable of doing the physical act without needing to feel close or connecting on an emotional level first. It can simply be a physical release for your man.

It might not be that having sex is more important to him than caring about you. He has a physical need that isn’t tied to things having to be a certain way before he can be ready and willing to make love.

Accepting this about your man means not criticizing him for frequently wanting it or always being up for it when it seems like an odd or inappropriate time to you.

When you put a man down for his desires, you’re participating in creating the sort of insecurity or “neediness” that is such a turn off for you. This is how this happens:

Let’s say you reject him for whatever reason. You’re watching something on television, you’re tired after a long day, or you’re in the middle of some task. You get irritated by his advances because you can’t turn it on and off like a light switch.

You tell him “no” and you brush him off. Maybe you even add some sarcastic comment or ridicule him for being so aggressive with you.

He feels inhibited and shamed for his desire. Because he couldn’t connect with you physically, he now feels less willing to open up to you, emotionally.

Therefore, he shuts down, gets cold and distant, or complains to you, which turns you off even further.

Here’s something you may not realize:

Many men get to emotional intimacy through a physical connection first.

That means, if you want your man to soften to you emotionally, you may think about opening up to him sexually.

To some women, opening up to a man when they’re not turned on feels like being used, and they don’t like it and don’t want to do it.

However, if you can appreciate your man for his sexuality, and accept that it’s a biological need he can’t control any more than you can control what you feel, you may be able to find a way to meet his needs without feeling used.

Then he can connect with you emotionally and be more open and warm, which will soften you to what he wants.

This can break the cycle of him approaching you, you rejecting him, and him shutting down emotionally, which is a turn off to you.

What about what men need to know about women?

What Men Need To Know About Women When It Comes To Closeness And Intimacy

If you’re a man, you need to understand and accept that your woman isn’t as biologically motivated as you are.

Many women rarely think about it throughout their day, unless they’re in the middle of their cycle and are ovulating.

What motivates women, particularly on days when they’re not ovulating, or if they’re post-menopausal?

Again, women are turned on by love, romance, emotional intimacy, warmth, caring, and person power.

What does this look like, exactly?

Primarily, it means that you listen to her with caring and interest, and that she feels seen, appreciated, and valued by you.

It can look like doing things to show you care, such as tidying up the kitchen after dinner, or taking her car in for an oil change.

Women also love romance, such as getting sweet notes or text messages, or a heartfelt hug at the end of a particularly difficult day, or time alone together out to dinner having fun.

She may enjoy being pampered with a foot rub or an evening out to her favorite restaurant, and it can put her in a receptive mood.

Your woman also loves to see you in your personal power, acting decisively and with competence.

Of course, none of this is always true, as some men and women are more or less biologically driven. These differences can also show up in same-sex relationships, as each partner may have different levels of testosterone and needs for emotional intimacy.

But in general, understanding what your partner of the opposite sex needs and desires, and being able to appreciate that and respond accordingly, can lead you toward a more satisfying sex life.

And a more satisfying life in the bedroom can help you become more open to improving ALL aspects of your relationship.

How To Give Yourself Love And Get In-Sync With Your Partner

If you are in a relationship and you are having sexual problems, read this article to your partner (if they’re open to it) and explore together what you think the problem might be.

Also, ask yourself or your partner: are you using sex as a way to share love with your partner or as a means to get something, or feel a certain way?

Do you want it in order to feel safe, loved, worthy, or happy?

Does it seem that no matter how often you do it, you’re still not filled up inside with feelings of gratitude, love, or kindness toward yourself?

On Day 27 of my 30-day video program, Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love, you’ll learn how to decipher whether your sexual desires come from a place of sharing love, or from a place of inadequacy and emptiness. You know which is which when you review the list of reasons WHY you want to get physical with your partner on that day of the program.

If you discover that your needs are originating from a place of emptiness and inadequacy, or from being disconnected from your highest self, you may not be aware of it, but you’re turning your partner OFF. It could be why they aren’t as willing to be passionate with you, or why you sense yourself pulling away when your partner approaches you for affection.

This is just one of the reasons I recommend you explore my Inner Bonding process, which you’ll get as part of the video program: to address this neediness and dissolve the tension and resentment around bedroom issues.

Inner Bonding shows you how to connect with your infinite source of love within, so you aren’t constantly seeking it from outside of yourself.

With this transformative 6-step process, you’ll finally relax in the safety and security of wholeness and worthiness, because you’ll know what to do to give yourself the self love and care you can ONLY get from within.

On Day 27 of the video program, you’ll also learn what to do if your man is not sexual or seems to have a low libido or is rejecting your advances.

I’ll reveal the 9 reasons why a man may not seem to be as interested in it as you are, and what you can do to address this, especially if you’re someone who complains that the timing is always off (he’s not into it when you are and vice versa).

You’ll also learn how to use your relationship to heal from childhood wounds, especially the ones that make you dread your partner rejecting, leaving, or being too clingy.

There’s so much more you’ll get from my program, which you can learn about and start watching here:

Sexuality is an big part of any loving relationship. That’s why it’s a good idea to take time to explore not just your own hidden motivations for doing it, but your partner’s as well.

It can make a tremendous difference in the way you feel about physical pleasure, and about each other.

Blessings,

P.S. Does it seem like you never have time for each other anymore? Is this because of the circumstances that life is giving you, or because you’re falling out of love?

On Day 29 of my Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love program, you’ll learn what it takes to stay blissfully in love, regardless of how busy, over-scheduled, or stressed you are now. Find out what happy couples do to care for themselves AND their marriage, so you can feel closer than ever, no matter what life throws your way: