by Ken Page
There are certain attractions that feel like true love, but they leave you aching and guessing.
These are relationships where that special someone tells you—after weeks or months of dating—they’re not interested in you romantically, but are more than happy to be friends.
These are relationships where your partner tells you that they love you and care about you, but they’re not there for you when you need them. Their actions never match their words, no matter how flattering and passionate those words have been.
They seem distracted and emotionally distant. They are “too busy” to commit to you. Or they’re working through the heartbreak of a past relationship and aren’t sure they’re ready to give their heart to you…yet. But they don’t want to end things with you, either.
It leaves you feeling alone and unhappy.
And yet, you can’t seem to let it go, no matter how painful it feels.
There’s a very good reason we tend to linger in these “almost but not quite” relationships where we feel almost loved, almost wanted, almost get our needs met.
It has to do with something from way back in our past…
Why We Pull Away From Some People…But Fall Head Over Heels In Love With Others
All of us are attracted to a particular type that stops us dead in our tracks: a physical type, an emotional type, a personality type.
These “iconic” attractions make us weak in the knees, and they trigger our insecurities as well as seismic longings. How does that happen?
Therapist and author, Harville Hendrix theorized that certain people draw us in part because they embody the worst emotional characteristics of our primary caregivers!
Even though we may be adults, we often have unresolved childhood hurts due to betrayal, manipulation, abuse, and neglect from our caregivers.
Unconsciously, we seek the healing of these wounds in our intimate relationships. But that means we’re most attracted to people who can wound us in just the way we were wounded in our childhood!
Our psyche seeks to recreate the scene of the original crime, and then save us by changing its ending. The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators—or their current replacements—finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness.
Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children.
So we fall head over heels in love with some people, but pull away from others. And sometimes we fall in love with people who are simply not good for us. They’re not available, they don’t accept us, and they don’t appreciate what we have to offer in a relationship.
I call these “attractions of deprivation.” We feel endlessly deprived of real love, intimacy and connection in the relationship.
And yet, instead of seeing this for what it is, we think to ourselves, “It’s my fault, because in some essential way, I’m unlovable.”
This causes us further damage to our self-esteem by articulating the flaws which make us unworthy of love. It homes in on our most vulnerable, needy, and nonconforming qualities and tells us that they are to blame for our loss of love.
Most of us will be in a battle with that voice for the rest of our lives, trying to disprove it even as we stubbornly remain loyal to it.
When we find someone who awakens this unconscious memory of rejection, hurt, abandonment—our buried hopes are awakened too—in spades. Yet if we choose a relationship of deprivation, our hopes are likely to be crushed once again.
Can You Inspire That “Forever Feeling” In Someone Who Is Pulling Away or Unavailable?
We think if we can only figure out how to change ourselves the right way for that person, they’d love us.
If only we could do a better job hiding the parts of us that made us feel different, odd, or undesirable, that person would see what a great match we were for them.
If only we could deny who we really are, we could finally find love.
It’s the most cruel form of self-punishment there is, and ultimately it doesn’t get us what we really want, which is love and acceptance from the kind of person who can make us happy.
So to answer the question, “What can I do to inspire this person to want me?”
Well first, know that if this person can’t commit more fully, it’s not your fault or your responsibility. Trying to get them to change will only hurt you. But when you follow the steps that follow, you’ll change your pattern of attraction–and that’s where your greatest hope lies.
How to Get That LoveHow to Shift Away from Attractions of Deprivation and Get the Love You Really Want
So how do you change this propensity toward self-punishment, and become more open to wanting partners who are decent, kind, honest people who are single, available and actually WANT to have a relationship with you?
Learn to develop what I call “attractions of inspiration.”
Attractions of inspiration are those in which there is an essential sense of safety and mutual appreciation.
Attractions of inspiration are defined by goodness, integrity and availability.
No relationship is perfect, but attractions of inspiration are powerful.
You stop asking yourself what’s wrong with you or why you’re not good enough for this person. Your life becomes more relaxed, more enjoyable. You are free to be completely yourself because you know your partner accepts you and even appreciates you.
There’s no real mystery to developing these types of attractions of inspiration. It just takes being aware and mindful of your feelings and desires and then learning how to spot those attractions early on, before you get too attached.
How? By discovering and then learning to honor and appreciate your Core Gifts, so that you can attract people who will also honor and appreciate them.
I’ve worked with thousands of individuals in my career as a psychotherapist, and have concluded that this process—which I call Deeper Dating®, is the quickest, easiest, and most direct path to true, lasting, healthy love because you’re no longer wasting time in unhealthy relationships or attracting unavailable partners.
But I can’t possibly work individually with everyone who needs that kind of help. That’s why I’ve partnered with Flourish, so I can extend that help and guidance to as many people as possible, since almost all singles who are longing to find a life partner can benefit from these insights and tips.
When you subscribe to our FREE Relationship Advice Newsletter, you get access to more articles like these, from an accomplished community of carefully selected experts (like me!).
You’ll also learn:
- Which attractions can lead you to love, and which can lead you to pain, and the truth about sexual attraction that no one teaches us.
- The tell-tale signs that you’re living from your Gift Zone; meaning, you’re appreciating yourself and your Core Gifts, and being as magnetic as you can be to the person who will make you happy (and appreciate you, too!)
- How your deepest insecurities hold the key to discovering your greatest gift when it comes to love.
- How to increase your level of discrimination against the people who can never make you happy or love you the way you want to be loved—and do it early on when you meet someone, before you get too involved and attached.
- The most powerful question you can ask yourself when you’re dating someone that will save you countless days or months of pain. Ask yourself this, and it will quickly reveal if the person is right for you.
Simply enter your name and email address in the box, and you’ll get all this plus much, much more.
It’s free, it’s easy, and you’ll be amazed at what a difference the tips and insights will make in your relationship!
Discovering your Core Gifts and learning to honor and embrace them in order to find love is one of the greatest, most important journeys of your entire life.
And it’s one of the great privileges of my life to share what I’ve learned about this path.
The advice contained in the articles I’ve written for Flourish will help you see why you’ve been attracting certain types of relationships your entire adult life, why you may not have felt a true sense of romantic connection, and what it really takes to set your soul free in love.
I can’t wait to share all this with you!
Warmly,
