by Ken Page
Are you hopeful that someday you’ll meet and fall in love with your soul mate?
When you envision that, perhaps they’ll “get you” like no one else.
They’ll know you’re not perfect, but you’re perfect for them.
They’ll adore your sensitive (or carefree) nature, your dry or goofy sense of humor, your particular way of looking at the world.
When you speak they’ll be riveted, because they love the way you think.
And they’ll be physically attracted to you because you’re exactly their type.
And you’ll feel exactly the same about them, their quirks, their looks and their particular way of doing things.
Oh, to have this kind of love.
You fantasize a lot about this kind of soulful relationship.
Maybe up until now, you’ve been disappointed and heartbroken by partners who kept wanting you to change, or who were more in love with their ex, their work, or their ego than they could ever be with you.
You long to fall in love with the right person, but up until now, you’ve only been with the wrong ones.
You may have started to wonder why that’s happening.
Is a soul mate relationship even possible these days? Or are most who claim they’ve met “The One” simply “settling” after years of disappointments and disillusion?
Before you get too discouraged, I want to assure you that your dream relationship is possible.
You CAN meet the person who will adore you for who you are and fall deeply in love with you. You don’t have to settle, and you don’t have to go the rest of your life wondering why you haven’t yet found your soul mate. You can have a passionate, stable, incredible relationship and have it last.
In order for that to happen, however, you must first ask yourself:
Am I not meeting someone who loves me and accepts me because there’s something about myself I don’t love or accept?
You Haven’t Had Much Luck In Love. Could It Be Because of These 4 Intimacy Blockers?
I’ve counseled countless singles in my decades as a psychotherapist, and I’ve made certain observations about the differences between those who seem to “effortlessly” find the love of their life, and those who spend years in and out of relationships that ultimately go nowhere.
Those who long for a soul mate relationship but keep falling short think they’re simply not connecting with the right person.
But it could be that they keep running up against certain intimacy blockers. These are ways in which you’re not being true to yourself and therefore, not sharing your deepest self with a potential partner.
As you read through the following list, take a moment and really be honest with yourself.
Do you find yourself nodding in agreement?
Do these struggles repeat, no matter whom you’re with?
If so, you’ll want to read until the very end of this article, and learn what steps you can take today to break the cycle and find a new way to approach dating that is more honest, empowering, and likely to help you attract the right person.
But first, here are four blocks to experiencing true intimacy. Do any of these ring true for you?
Intimacy Blocker #1: Attractions of deprivation
This intimacy blocker is common. It’s when you find yourself addicted to highly-charged relationships where you feel insecure, diminished or ignored.
These are relationships with people who almost commit: They come on strong at first, then disappear. Or they would probably love you the way you deserve if it wasn’t for (fill in the blank).
Always something standing in the way of you being “the one”.
You feel perennially deprived. That’s why I call these “attractions of deprivation”.
What gets you about these “attractions of deprivation” is that they’re so enticing, so sticky, so emotionally irresistible. You feel almost desperate to change yourself in order to get it right. You want to prove to this other person that you’re exactly what they need.
But somehow, you never are.
To break the heartbreaking cycle that this mistake creates, you must learn to love yourself and to honor your self-worth. You must want something more for yourself. If you don’t know how to do this, I can help.
How to Honor YourselfIntimacy Blocker #2: Dismissing “attractions of inspiration”
Do you ever meet someone who always answers their phone or texts you back, cheerfully accepts your invitation to go out, looks at you with adoration, and is honest about their desire for a committed relationship, and suddenly you find yourself losing interest?
Dating is not very exciting with a person who is so…available.
You are perhaps so used to being in a relationship with a person who leaves you guessing, yearning and pining that when you meet someone who is actually kind and available, you aren’t sure how to feel about them.
Maybe you tend to dismiss these attractions of inspiration—attractions based on a consistent quality of shared kindness, generosity, and emotional availability—because they don’t feel intense enough.
They don’t combust and they don’t move quickly.
That’s because the deepest, most profoundly beautiful love relationships often unfold slowly. But they get richer as time goes on. They make us feel love, not desperation.
If you want to attract and keep a more soulful relationship, you must cultivate and nourish your relationships in different ways than you might be used to.
These “attractions of inspiration” may not seem as exciting at first, but in fact, they are much more so. Avoiding them altogether is a mistake.
Intimacy Blocker #3: Flight patterns
There’s no shame in knowing you’re uncomfortable with intimacy. We all are, on some level.
We all avoid getting emotionally close to others by engaging in certain habits and pastimes. We surf the internet and chat with strangers instead of seeking to befriend real-life people who share our values. We play it cool instead of admitting we’re anxious or shy. We look for hookups instead of people with whom we can form a real connection.
Or we indulge our “flight patterns”—the often unconscious impulse to flee a relationship because we believe we’re no longer attracted (even though we’re with a kind and available person to whom we were attracted yesterday).
All of these reactions keep us insulated from experiencing real intimacy.
There comes a point, however, where you’re done with going through life without a companion.
In order to make yourself available for a soulful love, you must ultimately go on that first or third date, admit you’re nervous, and proclaim your desire for marriage or commitment—because pretending otherwise is starting a relationship off with a lie.
When you can do that, that’s when things really begin to change.
Intimacy Blocker #4: Hiding the most beautiful parts of you
I’m not talking about hiding certain body parts behind clothing. I’m talking about hiding those parts of your personality and essence that you feel most vulnerable to expose.
These may be personality traits for which you were criticized or shamed in the past (“You’re so sensitive! Can’t you take a joke?”)
They’re aspects of yourself that feel like weaknesses (“I need to connect and love texting regularly just to share a thought or experience. Maybe I need to be more stand-offish?”)
They are places where you have incurred profound wounding in the past—like when your parents ridiculed you for being a “chatty Cathy or Charlie” because you like to express yourself. Or when an ex told you that your tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt was “naive”.
These aren’t faults or weaknesses. They’re not anything to be ashamed of or hide. These are the parts of you that I call Core Gifts. They are not talents or skills. They are your most beautiful parts. They are what makes you, YOU:
Your sensitivities.
Your honesty.
Your enthusiasm and energetic nature.
Your pragmatism.
Or your idealism.
Your empathy and compassion.
When we reject, hide or suppress our Core Gifts, we don’t honor or accept our authentic selves.
Then what happens is we attract people who ALSO don’t honor or accept us for who we are, either.
We attract people who are abrasive, when we can’t accept that we’re sensitive. We attract those who can’t tolerate chattiness and passion, because we don’t like that in ourselves, either.
The key to attracting the right person lies in embracing your Core Gifts and therefore your authentic self, in all its uniqueness, timidity, imperfection and excess.
You have the right to honor your Core Gifts and only to choose people who can do the same.
Once you do, you’ll find yourself dating people who are kind, generous of spirit, and emotionally available.
Your world will begin to change. You’ll see that indeed, you are closer to that soulful relationship than you ever thought possible.
I’ve seen this occur so many times with my clients. I can’t explain why this happens, but I’ve come to accept it as a happy truth in the frequently unhappy and treacherous world of dating.
How to Uncover Your Core Gifts and Lead With Them to Find Attractions of Inspiration
It’s not easy to see things about yourself and romantic relationships that until this very moment, you didn’t even know existed.
You may have been avoiding intimacy, but you thought you were just doing things that felt comfortable or honoring your need for space and alone-time.
You were cultivating attractions of deprivation because you thought these were exciting—in other words, that they were the “edgy” relationships you really wanted.
You may have never heard of Core Gifts before you read this article.
And maybe you have always thought you had to hide certain parts of yourself in order to be attractive to a potential mate, not expose these parts to people whose opinion matters most to you!
But I assure you, I’ve helped thousands of singles like you, and I’ve seen time and time again, that opening up to a deeper, more authentic version of yourself is the key to connecting with the person who could be your soul mate.
It works so well that I’ve developed a process to help you get to know who you really are, so that you can attract authentic love.
I call this process Deeper Dating.
Deeper Dating is the quickest, easiest, and most direct path to true, lasting, healthy love because you’re no longer wasting time in unhealthy relationships or attracting unavailable partners.
But I can’t possibly work individually with everyone who needs to learn how to discover their authenticity in this way. That’s why I’ve partnered with Flourish, so I can extend that help and guidance to as many people as possible, since almost all singles who are longing to find a life partner can benefit from these insights and tips.
When you subscribe to our FREE Relationship Advice Newsletter, you get access to more articles like these, from an accomplished community of carefully selected experts (like me!).
You’ll also learn:
- Which attractions can lead you to love, and which can lead you to pain, and the truth about sexual attraction that no one teaches us.
- The tell-tale signs that you’re living from your Gift Zone; meaning, you’re appreciating yourself and your Core Gifts, and being as magnetic as you can be to the person who will make you happy (and appreciate you, too!)
- How your deepest insecurities hold the key to discovering your greatest gift when it comes to love.
- How to increase your level of discrimination against the people who can never make you happy or love you the way you want to be loved—and do it early on when you meet someone, before you get too involved and attached.
- The most powerful question you can ask yourself when you’re dating someone that will save you countless days or months of pain. Ask yourself this, and it will quickly reveal if the person is right for you.
Simply enter your name and email address in the box, and you’ll get all this plus much, much more.
It’s free, it’s easy, and you’ll be amazed at what a difference the tips and insights will make in your relationship!
Discovering your Core Gifts and learning to honor and embrace them in order to find love is one of the greatest, most important journeys of your entire life.
And it’s one of the great privileges of my life to share what I’ve learned about this path.
The advice contained in the articles I’ve written for Flourish will help you see why you’ve been attracting certain types of relationships your entire adult life, why you may not have felt a true sense of romantic connection, and what it really takes to set your soul free in love.
I can’t wait to share all this with you!
Warmly,
