Unraveling The Mystery Of Attraction And Turn Offs

by Ken Page

Do you feel like the people you’re crazy attracted to turn out to be emotionally unavailable? Or just not that into you or good for you?

Or, does it seem that the people who ARE into you and who ARE available are just a little…boring?

In this article, I’m going to explain the real reasons why these things happen and what you can do about it, so you can find the kind of love that’s exciting and has the legs to last and grow.

Discouraged and Disappointed by Love? Here Are the Real Reasons Why

One of the most common struggles of all in the world of dating is feeling intensely attracted to people who either don’t want us and aren’t good for us, or not being attracted to people we know probably would be good for us.

How many times have you tried—and failed—to make a relationship work just because you were so completely smitten by that person? You couldn’t let it go because there was something about them that drove you wild with desire and passion.

So you kept going back, and getting hurt, and going back again.

You were put through such an emotional wringer that you vowed that next time, you’d look for someone who was kinder and more available.

But when you met someone that fit that description, it didn’t work. You either couldn’t imagine ever being physically intimate with that person or they just didn’t inspire you emotionally in any way.

Listen, we can’t force our sexual attractions. Most of us have learned this the hard way.

But even though our attractions can’t be forced or controlled, they can be educated.

Even if you are relentlessly attracted to bad boys or bad girls, you can still develop the skills to cultivate real, lasting, authentic love.

And furthermore… attract the kind of person who will love you, accept you, and think you’re perfect for them.

The question remains: Why are we drawn to the wrong people and how can we teach ourselves to be drawn to the right people?

Here’s my answer…

The Unconscious Mystery of the Spectrum of Attraction (or Why We Are Crazy for Bad Boys / Girls)

When you enter a room full of people, who are you most attracted to and who do you typically pass by?

I had a client once who told me that when she went to a party, there was always one guy in the room to whom she was MOST attracted. But inevitably, within a few weeks or months of dating him, she would discover that this new man had the same attributes as the guy before him, and the one before him, too.

These were attributes that made the relationship conflicted and unsatisfying for her. In other words, this new guy was the same as the old guy—unavailable, unkind, critical, and so on.

But when she first met him, she had no idea he would have these attributes. All she knew was that she felt very physically attracted and mysteriously drawn to that one guy.

When you encounter someone for the first time your heart and your mind begin an astonishingly complex scan. Your senses pick up both obvious and subtle cues:

• The tightness or looseness of the lips
• The body stance
• The muscles around the eyes
• The tone of the voice

And you instantly feel desire…or turned off.

It’s no wonder…

Nature has endowed you with a very sensitive romantic radar.

Every one of us has the “type” of person that can stop us dead in our tracks. A physical type, a personality type, an emotional type. But what influences that attraction?

According to relationship researcher Harville Hendrix, we are subconsciously drawn to people that remind us of our parents or caregivers. They remind us of their best and worst characteristics.

The people we are the most crazy for are the ones who embody the worst characteristics of our caregivers.

Is that conscious? No.

All of us have unresolved childhood wounds and traumas due to betrayal, neglect, abuse, manipulation, or anger. Unconsciously we seek healing through our partner. Therefore we are drawn to people we sense might hurt us the same way we were hurt by our parents or caregivers.

They won’t hurt us by acting out the same behavior, but by doing things that will make us feel the same way we felt when we were kids: neglected, angry, abused, or manipulated.

What our subconscious hopes to achieve by drawing us to this person is to finally convince this person to finally love us right and accept us fully.

(Of course this person isn’t our caregiver or parent, but our subconscious doesn’t make that distinction.)

So yes, your conscious self will be attracted to the positive qualities that you yearn for, such as:

• Gregariousness
• Good sense of humor
• Relaxed demeanor
• Great storytelling abilities

But your UNconscious will be drawn to the negative qualities that aren’t good for you, such as:

• Controlling
• Critical
• Neglectful
• Prone to drama
• Emotionally withdrawn

And this is why you find yourself in that same place, over and over: hoping to find great love, but ending up feeling the same, awful way every time you get too close to someone who isn’t good for you or to you. Unaccepted, unloved, and unworthy.

But there is a way to fix all this.

You CAN Change to Whom You’re Attracted and Who Is Attracted to You

In my own life, and after working with thousands of people, I’ve learned that sexual and romantic attractions can change.

It’s not instant or even quick, but it can happen.

There are skills that can be practiced and applied to your life that will help you awaken more passion and keep it alive the next time you meet someone who is both kind and available.

That’s why knowing how to cultivate our attractions to people who are decent and available—is so important.

You can heal your entire life in the process of healing your attractions. Why?

Because the skills of dating are nothing more than the deep skills of intimacy. And the deep skills of intimacy are the greatest skills for a happy, rich, meaningful life.

These are skills and techniques I’ve been developing for decades in my career as a psychotherapist, and have taught to countless individuals in my private practice.

But I can’t possibly work individually with everyone who needs this kind of help. That’s why I’ve partnered with Flourish, so I can extend that help and guidance to as many people as possible since almost all singles who are longing to find a life partner can benefit from these insights and tips.

When you subscribe to our FREE Relationship Advice Newsletter, you get access to more articles like these, from an accomplished community of carefully selected experts (like me!).

You’ll also learn:

• Which attractions can lead you to love, and which can lead you to pain, and the truth about sexual attraction that no one teaches us.
• How your deepest insecurities hold the key to discovering your greatest gifts when it comes to love.
• How to increase your level of discrimination against the people who can never make you happy or love you the way you want to be loved—and do it early on when you meet someone before you get too involved and attached.
• The most powerful question you can ask yourself when you’re dating someone that will save you countless days or months of pain. Ask yourself this, and it will quickly reveal if the person is right for you.

Simply enter your name and email address in the box, and you’ll get all this plus much, much more.

It’s free, it’s easy, and you’ll be amazed at what a difference the tips and insights will make in your relationship!

Learning about your relationship patterns and transforming them in order to attract healthier relationships can mean the difference between years of loneliness and decades of relationship bliss. That’s because finding lifelong love is one of the greatest, most important journeys of your entire life.

And it’s one of the great privileges of my life to share what I’ve learned about this path.

The advice contained in the articles I’ve written for Flourish will help you see why you’ve been attracting certain types of relationships your entire adult life, why you may not have felt a true sense of romantic connection, and what it really takes to set your soul free in love.

I can’t wait to share all this with you!

Warmly,